I Am Going To Be An Aunty..

Today I am HAPPY & PROUD to {FINALLY} announce that my Sister whom is 23 is pregnant with her first baby!!
Today (19th July 2012) she found out she is exactly 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and I get to see pictures when she isn't working.. I am so happy & excited, I get to be an Aunty!!!

My sister is due 27th January 2013 which means that 2013 will start off amazing with my sister having a baby!!

I cannot wait to see the scan's of my Niece/Nephew

*cries*

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

when good news become bad..

So i found out on the 12th feb i am pregnant..

thought yes, my life has turned around and is going be better, until today, i had my second scan and still nothing is showing up on the scan :( which means its ectopic, and they feel and think that it is growing on my left ovary... but after blood tests today it will show...?

i am gutted, i really hoped i could have a baby, and i just hope that i dont have to have any of my ovaries or womb etc. removed... it would kill and thats what is kind of worrying me at the moment i guess..

still i wont know for sure until the doctor rings with my results and we go from there!

what a nightmare...

i havent been posting for the last week due to not being able to say or know whats going on till i knew for sure...
but on the 9th Feb, i had gone to doctors for a suspected pregnancy, got my results back on the 12th and ended up in A&E lol
When i was informed of the results i burst into tears and was panicking on the phone, she informed me to go to hospital so i did - in an Ambulence.. woopwoop my first time i get to go in one as i wasnt with it, and because i couldnt get to A&E! lol
so i found out that i am pregnant, regardless of the bleeding i was having at the time (stopped the day after thankgod)
so i spent this last week wondering whats going on, and having blood tests checking my hormone levels! lol

still.. i had one today and i find out results Monday afternoon... so fingers crossed its OK and i still get to have a scan on tuesday too.. fingers crossed...