Saturday, January 30

Ohhh i just love my PINK camera..!!

Ok, so i thought i needed a change of Camera's, partly because the one i use has to take AA batteries, and i wanted one that had a proper chargeable battery like the Li-Ion batteries that come in Phones.. so i went out and scoured Curry's, Argos and Ebay 
(ebay was incase i couldnt find anything i wanted instore or if could get cheaper)
I did originally want this one:- Kodak M320 - Red ..but i then changed my mind and then wanted this one:- Alba SL1230 and then this one:-Hitachi HDC-1087E.. but i couldnt decide through them all so i ended up on EBAY scouring for a cheap one.. and believe it or not, i did find a cheap one, but i didnt just find ONE lol i actually found TWO so i have 2 cheap 10MP cameras now and i am happy .. and they are both rechargable Li-Ion batteries =)
So the camera i own is:
Snazzy.. dont you think!?
i have always wanted a coloured camera, as i have always used VIVITAR and they have always been Silver..

So far i have taken these pictures with my camera:


My Mummy and Meee....

  My Brother Dan, Mum and Mee...

 Pebbles Sleeping On Box...

Not bad pictures actually.. i havent gone far with my camera yet, although i should really jump the bus with my weekly ticket and go wherever the bus takes me and just take random pictures lol
..trouble is it is boring on your own *sigh* i might just persuade someone get a daily ticket and come out with me for the day =)

Friday, January 29

Dont You Just Love Thursday...?

Today was a strange day..
what with having a crap nights sleep wednesday.. oops! still.. i managed to survive the day..
It started with a interview/meeting at a place for my benefit .. which turned out not to bad so bad, i told the truth admitted my problems and whats going on with me in myself and with my issues around me and problems too..
then realised at the end of it that i knew her from when i was a child - which was kinda embarrassing but it at least made it less scary for me, as i had to go alone for this due to no one able to help, as my sister was working, same with my mum..
went into town see if anything i can buy with my pennies, but i couldnt find anything except a new top - which costed me just £6 in New Look!
i bumped into Jennyfer and spoke with her for a little while and walked with her to bus stop, she got on her bus and then i waited around for mine and come home!
omg i was so board when i got in, it was just me and the cats, and although pebbles tried her hardest to sit in my lap whilst im sitting at the computer in the computer chair with my legs crossed... it was just boring lol even facebook or playing scrabble didnt do anything!!!
I met my new friend Michael last night.. that was fun.. lovely lad! =)

Thursday, January 28

I Love The Cake..

I was just thinking about the sweets things i like to eat, and ohh how i would LOVE to eat a bit of sponge cake like this one...

one smothered in coconuts (you can also get them in Co-op from buying myself)
or maybe even some chocolate sponge cake

now doesnt that look fantastically delishous???

...i now need to learn to start making cakes! - i am a big fan and it could end up being cheaper in the long run, but who knows...

Yummy Maltesers..


I love maltesers.. i bought a couple of packets whilst i was out on my travels in town yesterday, and i am now at 06:30am eating another packet, i am awake anyway due to nervousness about today (got interview thing for my benefits) and because i dont feel 100% (again *grr*)  - all it is is the sniffles things (i hope)
I have had a cigarette and i still feel sicky inside along with the butterfly feelings i get when nervous..

Back to Maltesers...

When i eat Maltesers, i think i eat them differently to others, maybe? - not sure ..
I suck the outside - break the chocolate coating off so it crumbles in my mouth, and then i suck the honeycomb thing inside and let it crumble in my mouth, and there you go... 
thats how i eat mine! lol

Wednesday, January 27

Songs I'm Loving This Week..

i love this video & song.. not sure why? lol still its great..

i Love this song soo much - its even my ringtone on my phone at the moment =)

Enola Gay.. fab song!! LOVE it

Is Brave..

Why you ask?

..because i actually went out ALONE ... lol stupid i know (to some) but i actually managed to do it :s - although however, i did cheat... i thought i would get me a weekly bus ticket, to attempt to get me out (hope it works) so i made some use of that today going to and from the shops lol
i was nervous but i knew it had to be done so i had to go, wasnt too bad, was kinda fun - in a way..

Tomorrow is what i am nervous about!!
in the morning i have an interview thing for my Benefits in town, should be interesting, as i have to do that alone too :(
my friend is taking me, which aint too bad, and aint much of a problem, its just hoping i manage to survive the interview and what i got to do in the meantime, as i am unsure!

Fingers crossed it goes smoothly and i dont pass out or cause problems lol i know what i is like ;)

Tuesday, January 26

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?

Monday, January 25

Reality Check..

Today i have realised a few things about myself, a few things that are really stupid, others are silly etc.

I left  my job, the only job i 'loved' and 'enjoyed' all because of my depression, and i felt that i was being singled out because the staff i was working with ended up not liking me, and then thats when and where the problems started.

I worked my last day on the 13th July 2008 and i unfortunatly have not put myself back into the situation of having a job again, for the fear of being rejected, singled out, and ending up with more problems worse or similar to what i went through with Card Factory.

I learnt everything pretty quick, and with the supervisory experience i had working at McColls before hand (twice) they gave me the supervisor job on a sunday within a week of being in Card Factory, i dont think it was the sudden responsibility that changed me, or well maybe a little.. but then bit more of it would had been the christmas part of the job, i had no idea that the shop would be jam packed, busy and very cramped. so i kinda backed out a little and i became ill, with a stupid cold/cough that left me with loosing my voice etc. but then thats when the trouble started properly, i did my best and gave what i could but unfortunatly that wasnt good enough, and a few months later i started getting told
"people arent happy with how you work"
..i couldnt help that i had problems, and i wasnt the only person who used a mobile whilst i worked - in fact half the staff (mainly the younger ones) kept their mobile on them texted behind the tills etc. and because i was already in trouble with my depression - they singled me out! - stupid really.. and if i had been strong enough i would had stood up for myself instead of letting them get to me, and kinda ruin me!
but unfortnatly i stupidly gave in and told them i was going to hand in my notice!

i unfortunatly have let this ruin me and i now have problems with wanting to work for the fear of going through it again!

is it worth it?

Relationships ...

are they worth it!?
personally i dont know, sometimes i know and feel and think yes, sometimes i not so sure.

i mean what exactly are the good things about having a boyfriend, and the bad points!?

I have a list of good and bad points that i have made from personal experiences over the last few years, but each person in some respects are different, whereas some are worse than others!

My Good Points:
  • Hugs & Kisses
  • Made Feel Special
  • Dates
  • Sex (sometimes can be a good thing)
Bad Points:
  • Ex's can cause you problems
  • Mixed feelings
  • Sometimes can change when least expect it
  • Cheating (which can become an issue)
Sometimes what makes it harder is the person you are and how you take and react to things, i for one take things to heart and badly and react differently to any normal person.
I hide away, run away and various other things. i for one cannot really stand up for myself.
I WILL however, say stuff over text or the internet that i wouldnt say in person because i am in some ways scared of conflict and well i try not to cause it so often, but there is always one person, just one person out there who wants to ruin something! and unfortunatly it always happens even to the best of people, and unfortunatly it cannot be stopped or changed.

Still.. after everything some people can come out stronger, better where as others will not come out of it 'sunny side up'

just ... what will happen to me, will it be worth it in the end, or will it end up in disaster like everything else in my life!?

Sunday, January 24

My Good Friend.. Michelle...

What can i say about Michelle.. 
is is a remarkable amazing young lady who (for her age) has been through so so much.

she has started up her own blog on here, you should check it out.. 

She is very talented with her writing, and i really hope that you would check it out

I am glad and proud to call her my friend =)

Luv You Girl xxx

Wednesday, January 20


well so much for me keeping an online diary of daily events and how i cope with them etc. looks like i given up on this, as well as i did everything and pretty much everyone else!
before xmas, i decided i wasnt going to take my tablets anymore, i was taking sertraline, but i felt nothing was working so i stopped them too - which was probably a stupid idea, but i believe now it has been about a month, 4 weeks i have not been taking them and i still feel pretty low! - perhaps its a sign that i should go back to the doctor! but it is very difficult..
things still not getting better between my dad and my mum.. but i guess that is something they need to sort out themselves - but i just cant help but wonder..
i think most of the reason why i gave up with this 'diary' is because
1 - noone reads it
2 - it is stupid
3 - noone reads it
4 - its boring
5 - pointless!!

..or least thats what i feel, and well maybe some have said! but i guess not everyone wants to know what really goes on in the head of a "mental person" !!! lol

so much for a happy new year....

Sunday, January 17

On the road to recovery....

well after suffering for the last 2 weeks with a god awfull cough and cold etc. i am now starting to feel better, and am starting to sleep better now i am not coughing as much as i used to! lol
still bunged up at times etc. but at least it is lifting now =)

Monday, January 11

Snow Snow Snow...

well for the last week or so now, all thats outside the window is snow.. and ice and more snow and ice! lol

I have not been out, and i have not really wanted to, because it is just to darn cold.. and in some ways dangerous.
I have some more pictures of what i have taken in the snow, including my first attempt to build and make a snowmans! - and well it kinda looks really demented - but it didnt really help that i tried to give me snowmans 'breasts' - oops! lol

I have also been suffering for the past few weeks with a cold and a cough, which isnt fun either, because what with feeling the effects of that, and the cold outside, just is not fun!

I seriously cannot wait for it to be alot safer outside and be able to walk without falling over and hurting myself - again! lol

Here are some pictures for the start of 2010 with the snow....



 ok so this is my demented snowman! lol it has little bear ears.. and 'breasts' also! lol
...god knows what i was thinking when i tried to make this!!!!

Thursday, January 7

Woop Woop..

Orange finally changed over my numbers - yay - just the downside to it is that now the wap doesnt work on the phone lol
nevermind.. least i got my number back =)

Wednesday, January 6

Well Well Well... Whad'ya Know....

Its Snowing again here in Bognor Regis today... actually in fact it has been snowing since around 8 maybe 9pm last night, on and off!
i only went to check because people were making status's about the snow, thought they were being muppets until i went out and saw it for myself.. although i got called a dumbass because i was told it was in fact raining not long before hand, but hey lol
after a while i went out there in my PJ's to take some more pictures and i fell over in the bloody snow :( really hurt me it did..but i insisted on wanting to go out there again (but i didnt go out) i only wanted to take pictures.. but i did take a couple before i had to come back inside from falling over and getting bit wet etc. lol

Today.. i woke up with it snowing, again looked out the bedroom window and it looks as though the ground is thick with snow - so i am in fact hoping to go out there and make a snow mans today as i didnt get to make one last time *sigh* and also get few more pictures than i did before few weeks ago!

but for now.. lets just hope and pray i dont fall over in the snow and hurt myself ... again!!!!

Sunday, January 3


what a load of pants..!
i went into the orange store to look at phones and i felt that going on orange would be ideal because of the deals and benefits to the top ups etc. would be great for me, but i had no idea how wrong i would end up being!!
..i rung up when i was allowed to have my phone for christmas on christmas day, so i rung virgin to change over my number to orange got my codes etc. and at first the person wasnt much help and then second time i was told that it had been set up and that it would change over on the 29th december 09 between 11 and 4 so i rung up when my number hadnt changed and it said it could take up till midnight, so i waited, and waited, new years eve (31st december 09) i tried to ring to find out what was going on, and first time round i got hung up on without being answered and the second time around i was on phone for 10mins before the woman hung up on me, so i left it hoping it would change and still it hadnt, so i rung up today again to see what going on and the man hung up on me this time after asking me to 'hold please'
:( its not fair why cant they just change my number over and stop faffing around and stuffs...

Friday, January 1

Welcome 2010..

The first blog of 2010

I celebrated 2010 in with family, it wasnt the party i had expected but i did spend it with:
My Aunt & Uncle, Grandparents, their friend Anne & my Uncles Mum too..
I watched them singing on the karaoke and singing on the PS2 games Singstar. then we sat down and played a couple of rounds of the Buzz Game Sports.. i wasnt very good at it i know nothing about sports lol but i do however know a fair amount of Music, but where the Music Quiz is only 4 players.

I trust and hope that everyone had a brilliant new year and a brilliant fun filled pary night last night to celebrate in 2010.

I have not made no New Years Resolutions, as of yet, but there could be a slight chance i may make some as there are a few things i would like to change i think, and i would also need to sort myself out properly this time as it is a new start and a new year.