Been having a bit of a hard time at the moment as I have barely been sleeping. It started Tuesday night (7th November) I had a bit of a late night because I was worried about getting up and ready to go to my last appointment with a lady called Suzanne at 11am. So I didn't sleep much then and even though I take my medication around 9pm I was still awake early hours in the morning. I had my inspection the following day on the 8th and had to be up early then too. But again I had trouble sleeping so I had a few hours sleep and then spent the day distracting myself and stopping myself from sleeping.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.
Wednesday, November 14
Wednesday, October 31
Been An Awful Couple Of Weeks...
It's been an awful 3-4 week! I came down with a cold and it's only just gone.. I haven't been that unwell in quite a while and I ended up having to spend an evening down A&E on 22nd October because I found that I was struggling with breathing and I had heart palpitations and was really worried about. My bestie's dad told her to put her smart watch on me to check my heart rate and found that my heart rate was sitting between 115 and 125 which isn't right so rung 111 to talk to someone on there and I waited for a nurse to ring me back who said I should go to A&E as I would need an ECG to check my heart and she thought it sounded like a chest infection but they would be able to deal with me better.
My bestie took me to hospital and had to have my blood pressure checked and noticed that I spiked up to 135 so I got taken round to the bays and was asked to get on the bed and take my top and bra off so I could have an ECG done. Once I had that done the nurse said a dr would be round to see me. I wasn't expecting him to come round so quick. He took my temperature as I felt really hot and was sweating. He then asked if I had been to the toilet, eaten or drank anything that day and I admitted I hadn't as I wasn't hungry nor thirsty and hadn't been to the toilet when I woke up that morning which meant that I was then dehydrated from not eating or drinking properly since I hadn't been feeling well. After he took my temperature he said I needed to have some blood tests to find out whats going on so he came back put a cannula in and took my bloods and within 10 mins of him going off once he had done a nurse came to put some fluids in me and then a lady came to take me down to X-Ray turned out he had booked me in for a chest x-ray and I didn't know.
When I got down to X-Ray he asked me to stand against the machine and within 5 mins it was all done. I have had X-Rays done before. I had one years ago on my nose because I was hit in the nose with a hockey stick! Had others done on my knees as I am knocked kneed (means my ankles don't go together) and I used to have them done on my teeth when I saw an orthodontist as one of my teeth grew along the top of my 2 front teeth so I ended up having it removed.
Got wheeled back round to the bay I was sitting in and waited for my results.
Took about half an hour or more or so I would say and dr came back and said that my blood tests show I am fighting an infection or 2 and my x-rays showed a shadow of some kind on my left lung and said that it looks like the start of a chest infection!
With that he went off got my antibiotics and came back and took the cannula out and said I was able to go home :)
After a weeks worth of antibiotics and having an upset stomach over the last 3-4 days I have finished them and I am starting to feel a lot better. Still bit bunged up in places and coughing every so often but otherwise I am slowly starting to feel a bit more like myself
My bestie took me to hospital and had to have my blood pressure checked and noticed that I spiked up to 135 so I got taken round to the bays and was asked to get on the bed and take my top and bra off so I could have an ECG done. Once I had that done the nurse said a dr would be round to see me. I wasn't expecting him to come round so quick. He took my temperature as I felt really hot and was sweating. He then asked if I had been to the toilet, eaten or drank anything that day and I admitted I hadn't as I wasn't hungry nor thirsty and hadn't been to the toilet when I woke up that morning which meant that I was then dehydrated from not eating or drinking properly since I hadn't been feeling well. After he took my temperature he said I needed to have some blood tests to find out whats going on so he came back put a cannula in and took my bloods and within 10 mins of him going off once he had done a nurse came to put some fluids in me and then a lady came to take me down to X-Ray turned out he had booked me in for a chest x-ray and I didn't know.
When I got down to X-Ray he asked me to stand against the machine and within 5 mins it was all done. I have had X-Rays done before. I had one years ago on my nose because I was hit in the nose with a hockey stick! Had others done on my knees as I am knocked kneed (means my ankles don't go together) and I used to have them done on my teeth when I saw an orthodontist as one of my teeth grew along the top of my 2 front teeth so I ended up having it removed.
Got wheeled back round to the bay I was sitting in and waited for my results.
Took about half an hour or more or so I would say and dr came back and said that my blood tests show I am fighting an infection or 2 and my x-rays showed a shadow of some kind on my left lung and said that it looks like the start of a chest infection!
With that he went off got my antibiotics and came back and took the cannula out and said I was able to go home :)
After a weeks worth of antibiotics and having an upset stomach over the last 3-4 days I have finished them and I am starting to feel a lot better. Still bit bunged up in places and coughing every so often but otherwise I am slowly starting to feel a bit more like myself
Sunday, October 14
Why Does This Have To Be Real...?
Today I have been flicking through my hard drive sorting out some videos to put on to my USB stick that goes into my telly and been flicking through all my old pictures that I have taken over the years and put onto my hard drive to make space on my laptop.
I found some old videos that I kept in a separate folder to go through easier and I was nosing to see what I have stored and came across some videos of Jack my eldest nephew at Christmas at our Grandparents house we all got together for a Christmas meal at my grandparents and didn't realise that you could hear my Grandad in the background. There was other voices as well but I just broke down because it's been almost 10 months since my Grandad died and I miss him so much!
To be honest it still hasn't sunk in properly that he is no longer here, I haven't been to his grave since his funeral back in January because I don't want it to be real so I haven't gone :( I want too because then I can speak to him and tell him I'm sorry I haven't been sooner etc.
Never knew I had this and I am so glad that I always take pictures of everything and everyone and videos too! It felt so good to hear his voice but now I miss him even more if that's even possible!?
At least now, when I miss him and want to hear his voice, I can! Will have to share the videos with my family so they too can hear his voice!
I had all this a few years ago when I was given a DVD of my Nan she was interviewed at St Wilfreds Hospice about the roses that was planted in the gardens and it was originally on video but it finally got transferred to DVD and it had been many years since I last heard my nans voice and I remember how upset I was when I heard her voice for the first time...
I found some old videos that I kept in a separate folder to go through easier and I was nosing to see what I have stored and came across some videos of Jack my eldest nephew at Christmas at our Grandparents house we all got together for a Christmas meal at my grandparents and didn't realise that you could hear my Grandad in the background. There was other voices as well but I just broke down because it's been almost 10 months since my Grandad died and I miss him so much!
To be honest it still hasn't sunk in properly that he is no longer here, I haven't been to his grave since his funeral back in January because I don't want it to be real so I haven't gone :( I want too because then I can speak to him and tell him I'm sorry I haven't been sooner etc.
Never knew I had this and I am so glad that I always take pictures of everything and everyone and videos too! It felt so good to hear his voice but now I miss him even more if that's even possible!?
At least now, when I miss him and want to hear his voice, I can! Will have to share the videos with my family so they too can hear his voice!
I had all this a few years ago when I was given a DVD of my Nan she was interviewed at St Wilfreds Hospice about the roses that was planted in the gardens and it was originally on video but it finally got transferred to DVD and it had been many years since I last heard my nans voice and I remember how upset I was when I heard her voice for the first time...
Wednesday, August 8
The Greatest Showman...
So, I decided that I was going to watch The Greatest Showman for the first time, and I loved every second of the movie! So much that I have to admit this is probably my new favourite film!
I was unsure at first, but the more I watch it the more the songs get stuck in my head!
But one song has stuck out for me in particular which is the song the Bearded Lady, called Lettie Lutz sings called 'This Is Me' the words are powerful and can relate to some of the words in a way..
I am currently watching this as I type! I am so glad that I found this movie and I only wish I went to see it at the Cinema when it came out... But it doesn't matter too much now!
Gonna get my singing voice ready haha
Friday, August 3
It's Hard To Say Goodbye! Especially Twice In A Week...
The events over this last week have caught up with me as I have now started to process everything. It's been hard because I never thought that any of this would happen.. And even if you was expecting it, it still doesn't hurt anymore than it should.
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
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| Socks Curled Up Next To Me |
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| Socks Watching Us Play Cards |
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
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| Mischief Sitting With Me Whilst I Play Cards |
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| Mischief Came To Gave Me Cuddles When I Was Feeling Down |
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
I Can Breathe A Sigh Of Relief...
Follow up from my last entry Computers & Technology Are So Frustrating... where I explained about my issue with my hard drive last week.
I had spoke to someone about the lead I brought and that I picked up the multi adaptor plug, and it turned out that I had a little yellow thing under the plug which has the different outputs from 3v to 12v! We passed messages back and forth and said that if anything will happen to my hard drive, it would just fry the mother board in the caddy not my hard drive itself.
Been putting off doing it as I was very nervous as I did not want to lose anything from my drive as I have stored so much over the years, as I do tend to take a lot of photographs with my phone! I also download a lot of stuff off Google or save things from Facebook etc.
Went through my old messages on Facebook and found the ones where he told me to plug in the adptors and it didn't work so was like nooooooo this can't be happening! So I thought screw it, lets turn the adaptor round and try again and all of a sudden my laptop made the noise it makes when you plug a USB in! I was so happy to hear it and crossed my fingers hoping that it didn't corrupt or anything and it didn't!!
I am so happy and I am still calming myself down after building up so much worry and anxiety over my hard drive and losing everything! I am now able to do my graphics and I am able to keep moving stuff from my laptop to my hard drive and vice versa!
I had spoke to someone about the lead I brought and that I picked up the multi adaptor plug, and it turned out that I had a little yellow thing under the plug which has the different outputs from 3v to 12v! We passed messages back and forth and said that if anything will happen to my hard drive, it would just fry the mother board in the caddy not my hard drive itself.
Been putting off doing it as I was very nervous as I did not want to lose anything from my drive as I have stored so much over the years, as I do tend to take a lot of photographs with my phone! I also download a lot of stuff off Google or save things from Facebook etc.
Went through my old messages on Facebook and found the ones where he told me to plug in the adptors and it didn't work so was like nooooooo this can't be happening! So I thought screw it, lets turn the adaptor round and try again and all of a sudden my laptop made the noise it makes when you plug a USB in! I was so happy to hear it and crossed my fingers hoping that it didn't corrupt or anything and it didn't!!
I am so happy and I am still calming myself down after building up so much worry and anxiety over my hard drive and losing everything! I am now able to do my graphics and I am able to keep moving stuff from my laptop to my hard drive and vice versa!
Saturday, July 28
Computers & Technology Are So Frustrating...
So I went to use my external hard drive the other day and found that it would not turn on! I tried changing plugs around and seeing if that made a difference, but apparently not! I paid out for a new USB cable as I found my old one became quite loose, but no even with the new cable it didn't want to turn on! It was suggested to pick up a standard 12v power supply so I picked up a multi head one just in case I brought the wrong size!
New power cable came today but it looks like paying out for a new power cable has helped! I tried the different heads and none of them seem to be working and I am now stumped as to why.. It worked a few weeks ago when I last used it and I am usually very careful with how I look after and store it.
I am not sure what to do at the moment as I am now worried that I cannot get into my hard drive and scared that I have lost everything because my drive is full of pictures of my Nephews and Godson from when they were babies up till now :(
Please let me find some answers and I can get back into my hard drive
New power cable came today but it looks like paying out for a new power cable has helped! I tried the different heads and none of them seem to be working and I am now stumped as to why.. It worked a few weeks ago when I last used it and I am usually very careful with how I look after and store it.
I am not sure what to do at the moment as I am now worried that I cannot get into my hard drive and scared that I have lost everything because my drive is full of pictures of my Nephews and Godson from when they were babies up till now :(
Please let me find some answers and I can get back into my hard drive
Thursday, July 26
Thinking About Graphic Design...
Over the years I have learnt to do so much with my laptop. One of them being Glitter Graphics! I found these years ago when I also got into the Doll Graphics that you used to be able to make up, this was something that interested me, so I found different websites that do these said graphics and I learnt how to use Paint Shop Pro & Animation Shop! Love these programs and are so much fun!
Glitter fills are little rectangles of colour with some kind of sparkle added to them, you open these up in Animation Shop and copy each layer over to PSP and paint certain parts of the graphic you are creating and then put them back into Animation Shop to animate them and your done!
I loved doing these, and I even managed to make different Disney Cliparts glitter! It was soo much fun! This was all done before Facebook took off and these graphics were used on websites called Bebo & Myspace! I enjoyed making the different layouts for Bebo & Myspace for myself and others, it was so much fun! Funny when you think about it now and that Bebo & Myspace longer exists pretty much!
When I joined Facebook none of the glitter stuff could be shared, you can now share gif's though so who knows maybe in the future they can be added to be used on there ;)
After a few years of having basic profiles they added Timeline Banners! Which meant you could have any picture you wanted displayed on your profile! This was great, because you could put any photograph etc up!
I came across the Angel Mum Community in 2010 when I lost my baby due to Ectopic Pregnancy and found that there was many pages out there that made graphics for Angels and I joined a few and made a few friends and then after a while I decided that I was going to do the same! I already knew how to make layouts for Myspace & Bebo, I was confident in what I was doing and I enjoyed making different pictures etc.
Only issue I had when I solely worked on Angel Graphics I never realized how difficult it would be when you see how many people have lost beautiful angels as well, I have to admit I did struggle a little, but then I decided that I was going to introduce other kinds of graphics which helped.
I have to admit I have had loads of different pages made up over the years because drama found me and I had to close down pages and open up new ones, or I decided I wanted to create a different name which is something I did quite often lol
I have not done any kind of designing in years, mainly because I didn't have the internet for the last 4-5 yrs until I moved into my own place and now having Internet I decided that it was time to pick it back up again! Only issue is, when I went to plug my hard drive in to see what I have on my hard drive to re-create or bring back it wouldn't work! Thought it was my USB lead so I brought a new one and still nothing! Today I looked at the plug again as I needed to know what cable to buy I noticed that some of the copper wires inside the cable had broken! Which explains why it doesn't wanna turn on, but it was odd because the plug was still getting hot? I ordered a new cable today so gotta wait for that to come then I can hopefully get into my hard drive!
Looking forward to doing some more designing again as I have been wanting to design stuff but as I said no internet so I didn't do anything about it, till now...
Glitter fills are little rectangles of colour with some kind of sparkle added to them, you open these up in Animation Shop and copy each layer over to PSP and paint certain parts of the graphic you are creating and then put them back into Animation Shop to animate them and your done!
I loved doing these, and I even managed to make different Disney Cliparts glitter! It was soo much fun! This was all done before Facebook took off and these graphics were used on websites called Bebo & Myspace! I enjoyed making the different layouts for Bebo & Myspace for myself and others, it was so much fun! Funny when you think about it now and that Bebo & Myspace longer exists pretty much!
When I joined Facebook none of the glitter stuff could be shared, you can now share gif's though so who knows maybe in the future they can be added to be used on there ;)
After a few years of having basic profiles they added Timeline Banners! Which meant you could have any picture you wanted displayed on your profile! This was great, because you could put any photograph etc up!
I came across the Angel Mum Community in 2010 when I lost my baby due to Ectopic Pregnancy and found that there was many pages out there that made graphics for Angels and I joined a few and made a few friends and then after a while I decided that I was going to do the same! I already knew how to make layouts for Myspace & Bebo, I was confident in what I was doing and I enjoyed making different pictures etc.
Only issue I had when I solely worked on Angel Graphics I never realized how difficult it would be when you see how many people have lost beautiful angels as well, I have to admit I did struggle a little, but then I decided that I was going to introduce other kinds of graphics which helped.
I have to admit I have had loads of different pages made up over the years because drama found me and I had to close down pages and open up new ones, or I decided I wanted to create a different name which is something I did quite often lol
I have not done any kind of designing in years, mainly because I didn't have the internet for the last 4-5 yrs until I moved into my own place and now having Internet I decided that it was time to pick it back up again! Only issue is, when I went to plug my hard drive in to see what I have on my hard drive to re-create or bring back it wouldn't work! Thought it was my USB lead so I brought a new one and still nothing! Today I looked at the plug again as I needed to know what cable to buy I noticed that some of the copper wires inside the cable had broken! Which explains why it doesn't wanna turn on, but it was odd because the plug was still getting hot? I ordered a new cable today so gotta wait for that to come then I can hopefully get into my hard drive!
Looking forward to doing some more designing again as I have been wanting to design stuff but as I said no internet so I didn't do anything about it, till now...
Thursday, July 19
Insomnia Sucks...
For a while I have been having problems sleeping, but it seems to have got worse recently! I can't sleep at night, I am often awake till 2am sometimes later.
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..
My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!
Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.
I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..
My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!
Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.
I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!
Wednesday, July 18
Google+...
Just found out that ALL my blogs are sharing to my Google Plus and the worst part is everything that get's shared on my page is Public!!
Obviously my idea and point of writing these different blogs I own is because it is supposed to reach people and hopefully help people, but didn't expect to see it all on my Google Plus account!
I don't use it, I think I set it up because of the issue that people were having with Facebook years ago but I never worked out how to use Google Plus properly so I left it.
Not much on there, it's just gonna take a while to delete different posts! Booooooo
Obviously my idea and point of writing these different blogs I own is because it is supposed to reach people and hopefully help people, but didn't expect to see it all on my Google Plus account!
I don't use it, I think I set it up because of the issue that people were having with Facebook years ago but I never worked out how to use Google Plus properly so I left it.
Not much on there, it's just gonna take a while to delete different posts! Booooooo
The Mental Health System & Me..
Well what can I say, Me and the Mental Health System do not get on!!
In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!
It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.
Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!
Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.
My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?
On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!
In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!
It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.
Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!
Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.
My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?
On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!
Monday, July 9
R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17
I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
Thursday, June 21
Oops... I Did It Again...
I cannot believe that I have forgot about my blog, it wasn't intentional but it was because from where I did not have any proper internet for so long. I was able to piggyback of my neighbours wifi but they upgraded their internet and meant that it couldn't be accessed which was a shame.
Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!
In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.
My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!
I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.
I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.
My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.
Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!
In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.
My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!
I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.
I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.
My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.
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