Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!

December 12th

still recovering from yesterday with my 'counsiler' Kevin .. and i am hopefully going to start looking into the STEPPS programme.. hopefully it aint too complicated for me and i can easily read it - i am bit slow!
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.

I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.

8th December... Doctors

well today i had decided that i should ring the doctors - partly because i forgot to yesterday... with all the upheave that was going on and happening during the course of the afternoon/day.. and then friends popping over as they owed me some pennies and then falling asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to contain my self for evening as i was bored... even tried to work out how to order a pizza but that went down the pan as kept getting confused as to how it works etc.

(never ordered a pizza in my life - as someone else has always done it for me)

i am bit nervous about the doctors this afternoon, as i am positive i am going to get told off or something or moaned at and then talked to etc. because i stopped taking my medications and stuff like that, but this time i think i need it changed as Citalopram wasnt working for me, i couldnt get on with them and nothing changed in the last 2 months hense why i stopped taking them again.

also i am going to have to find out what other support is available to me out there, because the bedale centre have let me down completly over this "assessment" i was meant to have, and i am positive and sure that there is something wrong with me, but it is putting the fingers as to where the problems are and what they are!

some say its:

Borderline Personality Disorder (PDB)

OR
BiPolar (manic depression)

...clearly there are many mental health issues that are out there, other than depression - but it is finding the one that better suits 'me' so i know where i stand, i know whats going on, i have support when i need it, there are people around other than the little family i have around me and my friends to help me. i need professional help and support, but it is finding someone willing to listen and diagnos me and my problems properly.

Hopefully today i should get some more of an idea of what to expect, and hope that i can get the doctors to push the bedale centre, or at least get me in there for a second oppinion!?

...also i need to sort out my money as christmas is now fast approaching, and i cannot afford to have another christmas where i cannot buy my family something.

clearly i should had gone to jobcentre for another crisis loan, but i already took out 2 and i am supposed to be paying them off also, but due to no funds or money coming in they have had to stop - oops!

fingers crossed for a better outcome from the doctors other than what i have receieved from the last few weeks from the bedale centre!

Sleeping Beauty...?

I am finally awake due to spending the full day in bed sleeping, i have eaten in between waking up and falling asleep drinking also, it is weird as to how i keep doing it.
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...

why...

god why is it nothing ever seems to ever go right for me any more i just dont understand any of this it is unbelievable!
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty

4th December 2..

Well.... what can i say about today!?

1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.

I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -

tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!

4th December..

well today i am up early after having a bit of a rough night.. but it wasnt too bad i suppose.

anyways today i has an interview thing at the job centre for the benefits ESA its a pathways to work thing, i neeed to be honest and truthal.. and hopefully they will help me more than being on JSA..

admittedly i am very nervous, i have not been out on my own in a while.. ok i aint been out on me own in over 2 months now, i am shaky, nervous, sick, got butterflies, etc.

i have got mum to meet me in town today, so hopefully.. i shouldnt be too bad as long as the old lady DOES meet me and not let me down, but then again this is me mother we are talking about here lol...!!!

will come back once i braved the outside by my self and have sorted out what needs sorting etc. just hope i dont do something drastic on the bus like try and take everyone hostage or something stupid ha ha (kidding)

3rd December

what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own  fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been  out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am  on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?

2nd December

well it is 04:28 that i am now writing this post, i am awake as yet again i cannot sleep.. well admittedly i fell asleep when ever it was we went to sleep.. and then woke up had some peanut butter on toast and got a lot of goodies to eat such as
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**

i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but  as i said i see what happens i guess.

i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.

i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......

1st of December

what a day what a day..

it has been the most boring one yet! nothing on telly to watch, too cold out be outside - not that i can go out even if i wanted to *sniff*

i had to resort into turning off the telly as i was getting frustrated with something on bbc1 that was soo slow and boring and then news on 2 and then police thing on 3 and gordan ramsay on 4 - why do we have to pay a liscence to watch this crap!? there is hardly anything on tv that is worth watching these days, its kinda same with sky - almost 1,000 channels and most of them there are 2 of so one you can watch now and one an hour later or some even have 2-3 hours later - whats the point in that!? NONE

i usually like watching telly, but there are just no good movies on tonight, the other night there was Carpool - now that was a good film.. or there was another one called Duel with someone driving a car being followed by a truck and there was kiss kiss bang bang - now that was a good film, and i never watched a robert downy junior (i think and sure that his name) before! and i thought it was good..!

i have deiceded that only time i watch telly.. is when i am sticking a dvd into the dvd player, or a vhs into a vhs player! whats the point in having 4 channels when there aint much to watch on them..?

BBBOOORRRIIINNNGGGG....!!!

1st of December

well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!

i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!

back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol

hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!

30th November...

last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?

29th November

Today i am having a very slow day, i have spent it in bed as it is bloody cold out there, and all that i can hear is rain hitting the roof or the windows its kinda annoying as thats all the weather does is rain rain and rain some more.
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?

for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..

28th November..

Hello..

I know i have not posted in a few days, but i have had a rough couple of days and im trying to think of new things i can do or make over the internet so i have been busy trying to sort that bit out including doing a bit of work for a friend, well it wasnt so much work, just sorting their reciepts out as they are well over a year behind lol took me 4 and a half hours. still least i made the folder tidy and neat and sorted everything out!

anyways, back to me.

I havent had such a good few days since my brothers birthday, i still havent gone out, i was due to go out this afternoon with my mum as i needed few bits in town, but i just couldnt go! its awful.. i dunno why but i am just so nervous before i leave that i get panic attacks and just want to hide away in doors all the time, i just dont know why or what to do.. i mean christmas is coming, and what with whats going on with my parents i dont know whats going to happen, if dad be home if dad be away.. and i just dont know if it is going to be a good christmas in some respects i guess, in a way i am pretty sure my dad WONT bother with us this year, all because we are all grown up he thinks and feels we dont need him anymore, and well if my dad could see this then maybe he'd actually realise that no matter how old you get you always always ALWAYS need a dad! just because his dad wasnt there for him when he needed him, doesnt mean that we dont need him anymore or anyless.. but hey what can you do - he wont listen to any of us, pretty sad really to be honest, but oh well.. if my dad chooses to not be in touch for over a week since he took me out for my assessment then that is his problem.. i need my dad, yes, but at the end of the day he chose to walk out on us, so at the end of the day that is his loss...!!

god why are men so bloody awful to live with or talk to etc. it is bloody annoying if you ask me! *lol*

other than that side of things i just still dont seem to be myself i keep rowing with everyone again, upsetting people, and generally falling out all the time! its unbelievable i just dont know why i am like this, if i take my tablets then i am as miserable as i was when i started them beginning of october, and if i dont take them i am moody and tetchy and rude and stressy.. very difficult in some respects to be with or anything.. i am trying to cope as much as i can without the stupid Bedale mental health centre - as i am still waiting upon a bloody follow up from the 18th of November!!! my appetite is up and down one min i starving the next i dont wanna eat a thing, i still not sleeping properly and everything, i just wish that someone would bloody help me and give me some idea of what i am doing with myself and some idea of what i am meant to do and how to cope and get the help i need, but for some reason because i hide it all deep in side - very well i might add - that no one seems to believe there is something wrong, i mean yeah so i dont tell everyone how i feeling anymore, i dont open up i hide away for the day on my own in my room or something, but it doesnt mean there aint nothing wrong with me, i write when i depressed, or i keep my diary up to date or at least try, i put all my feelings down on paper or through notepad on the laptop etc. i just wish that someone would bloody help me sometimes. i had printed everything off to try and help explain and they've still not been in touch.. i mean what a lot of help they are.. NOT!!!

ohh i dunno.. i just dont know how much longer i can cope and how much longer it will take before everyone gets fed up with me and starts dropping me like hot potatoes!!

26th November..

well today was my little brothers 17th birthday, its scary really, i mean he is a grown up, he aint my little brother whom my sister and i used to dress up in girls clothes, attempt put make up on him, and put mums bras on him which we then filled up with socks lol those were the days..

i am quite proud of him having a good time, despite our father doing a disapearing act on us and not bothering with us kids much, yeah ok we are all over 16 now so we aint really kids, but no matter how old you get you still require a father, someone to be there for you! so well done for my little brother to stay strong and not let it get to him!

at this birthday tea we had my mum had organised it all, she invited - our sister, Becci her boyfriend Alan, our cousin Amy with her daughter Summer and then of course myself and our mother! it was a lovely evening we had some laughs, and some tears and some moaning *lol* mainly about dad - but that i guess was to be expected?

we took a few pictures, but i doubt my dad will see them as he is never really online much, but hey i guess at the end of the day he is the one missing out, not us, but still i kinda wish he was there whereas in others i do not - strange situation i guess.

i havent been toooo bad today i guess, i have had a few outbursts but that will be due to not taking my tablets until late but i tried hard to hold it together for my brother, even if i did have a breakdown before i left and was very panicky at the start..! strange i am really..

 the rains came down again tonight, pretty hard and there was massive flashes of lightning and really really loud bangs of thunder it was awful the whole house shook up and it felt like the ceilings was gonna cave bcoz it was so loud and close very scarey!

i not big fan of storms and tonight had just made me very shakey and nervous!

24th November 2009

Day 54 (24.11.09)
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!

it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..

i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(

Welcome To My Blog.

Hello, and welcome to my blog.
I am new to all this as i have never used a blog site before, and i am going to be doing it based upon me and my problems, so admittedly i am very nervous as i get judged a lot and i often get the mickey taken out of me or bullied - although admittedly i have kept this locked up deep in side now for a while and no one really knows anything about me anymore for i fear of opening up.
But here i will keep an online type diary including the one i have been keeping for the last 2-3 months about myself and my problems, i am not sure if i should start from the beginning by copying and pasting things over to show what i have been doing and going through for the last few months.
I am hoping that if i did this that i could hopefully make new friends, and find people similar to me or having problems like i am to help others and to gain help and support from other people.
I will be adding one big bulk blog with the entries i have been keeping for the last 2 months, so it gives a better understanding of what i have been going through instead of posting 1 and hoping people know,
i shall also post a blog with some information about me, so that would also help you to know more about myself as well as listening and reading about my problems.

I hope to get out of this blog:
- New Friends - if possible
- Gain Help
- Help Others

i hope that you will follow me and comment or do what ever it is you do on the blog sites as i have never used one up till now.