This is a blog about me and my random thoughts and ramblings, and day to day life and activities.
Also, this blog is about waiting for a diagnosis and for my Mental Health. I thought this might help by bringing me together with people in similar situations to help myself and help others at the same time.
My birthday was actually yesterday - friday 13th may, but i was so busy yesterday that i never got to post anything. Plus by the time i got home, i was kinda drunk! hehe
At my mums pub, i drank a whole bottle of some shot stuff called Cola Cubes with coke, with my sister including about 10 shots..!! holy crap..! lol i am writing this with a slight headache but i have in fact just had packet of crisps and took some ibuprofen, just waiting it to start easing off a bit.
I spent the day with mum and my sister.. and then evening at mums pub with my sister and mum and brother :) then my mums partner came along bit later..
I got few cards from friends :) and family, just waiting to hear about seeing my dad...
Got some really nice stuff, including mum paying for me to have my tattoo done!! woop woop
Gonna chill out now for the day as im knackered from the night before, and supposed to be going out tonight too!! gonna be fun fun fun! :)
Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???
As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..
And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..
I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.
But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.
Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.
I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,
But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!
no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..
I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.
I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??
Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.
I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.
This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.
So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!
I have to say i am quite impressed with the weather at the moment..
Last couple of days have been pretty nice, sunny but not too hot with a nice cool breeze flowing in through the windows.
I have been outside in the garden the last couple of days enjoying it.. not sunbathing, but just enjoying it.
Really, i have to admit i LOVE the rain, and would rather sit outside in a rain storm .. yes a rain storm!!
But it has been pretty neat.
Hopefully it will stay like this for a couple of days as i can then get out in the garden and take more pictures of the wildlife and plants etc.
Yesterday, i managed to get some amazing pictures of tadpoles, really wish i could've bought them home! but dont have anywhere to keep them really!!
Although, i could had made up a fish tank, then i could study them and learn how to they grow into frogs, now that would've been a cool idea!
Maybe i should do that next year?
Hopefully, we'll have a pond by then, so can keep them in garden but i would also like to have a tank to keep them in indoors so i can watch them grow... cool? i think so!!!
Lately i have been feeling down in the dumps and i have been keeping it all to myself and locking it up in my head and throwing away the keys..
But i have been thinking about how to resolve some of the problems, dread etc. and decided that the best thing to do is admit defeat (again) and go back to the doctors (again) and sort myself (again)!!!
...I cant seem to keep things going and i cant seem to be able to sort myself out properly, or by the time i do i cant continue being "strong" and i give up, but i really need to learn to stop giving up, but it is easier said then done.
Tomorrow i am going to sort out getting to the doctors for one, i cannot continue on with my life feeling the way i do day in and day out, struggling with myself and my thoughts and feelings.. and problems!
I need to learn to talk to someone and open up..
This is a little something that i wrote for my nan, today is the anniversary of her death, and i always try and write a little something, as it shows that i am thinking of her.
Tonight, i plan to dig out my candles and write her name, or even the letter V ( her name's Violet ) in tealights and then light them when i feel ready to.
I may actually do this outside on the ground.. but would be even cooler if i could do it on the beach like all of the amazing blogs i've read on here..
Still, something i do should and will be a little bit special, even if it isnt the same as everyone else's ideas etc.
15 years has flown by fast Why didn't the memories of you ever last I miss you more each day but I still love you Nan in every way I still cant believe your gone. I think of all that you missed out Unfortunately this is something one can do about For now I live with you in my head And dream what could've been in my bed But I wish I could be with you I also wish i could bring you back just for the day Just so i could make new memories come my way It never gets easier each year passing by I still question it, I wish I knew why I really want to hear your voice again
R.I.P Nan, Always in my heart, Gone.. Not Forgotten!!
On my facebook, one of my friends on my friends list has two tiny little frogs, i wish i could have one!! these are kept in a fish tank as they are special types of frogs.
I was just thinking that i would like to have one or two in a fish tank, they are pretty nifty little things as i have seen them before in pet shops in the aquarium section.
I love aquatic stuff, anything water just interests me, which is why i was happy when there was an aquatic center in our town, but now has been replaced by Cash Converters.
When visiting pet shops, i always look out for the fish, same with garden centers i love being around fish in there also, it smells but it never bothered me that much,
Maybe, instead of frogs, i should get fish..??
My cousin got a little frog for her daughter, but some how, they lost it!
(it either got eaten by the fishes or jumped out of the bowl, i cant remember if they found it)
hmmm... if i want frogs, then why dont i just go up to the duck pond or something, and get me some frog spawn and get me some tadpoles.. start from there?
Well, i would.. but unfortunately i cannot access the pond we have here, so thats out of the question, this year! but who knows, maybe next year?
I mean, we did find a Newt whilst digging up in the garden in the summer, as they say the possibilities are endless.
I would like to have something aquatic though.. maybe fish or a turtle, maybe even a little terrapin!!!
either way i would like to have one or the other. my favourite fish are the neon ones (left) but then terrapins (right) do look pretty cool..
Again, this is another song that means something to me, such a wonderful song and very well expressed, Amy Lee is such a wonderful singer, i dont know what i would do if i had never been entered into the world of
I love this song, i never really saw myself liking this sort of music, but i ended up enjoying it, but i kinda feel that this song as some meaning to how i feel sometimes,
I am broken...
In more ways than one really, but i cant express myself as to how i think or how i feel as though i am broken, which sucks!
I wish i could, but then how do i know if someone is going to listen, or understand for that matter!!
Still, i love this song, and thought i should share!
So i have been thinking for a while that i want a tattoo, well admittedly i have always liked the idea of having one, so i would like one now!
Except, i want something that is meaningful to me. something that represents something..
So thats where i have got stuck.
I have come to the conclusion i would love to have 3 tattoo's!
The main one i want is for Billie, no matter what people say and think, he/she was still apart of me for 3 months regardless..!
So, for him/her i am thinking of..
- a letter B with angel wings
- a chinese symbol of Angel
- Billie in chinese symbols
- a star with a letter B in the middle
....ok the possibilities are endless, oops! hehe
But still, at least that would be meaningful, to me.
Is to represent my Nan, whom died of breast cancer in 1996.
So i would love to have a pink ribbon with her name and dates somewhere on my body
is to represent my love for cats, which would also go towards my 3 i have now, including our beloved Lucky whom died few years back, also Whiskers my nan's cat..
Well, i have myself plenty of ideas now! so i think i will just print them off, and get out the art book and start drawing and designing myself..
so exciting, i might actually get my arse in gear this time, i hope!!
I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..
Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!
I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!
Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!
Well, not quite, but i am admiring the view of the rain and listening to the raindrops hitting my window and ceiling...
Kinda wishing i was standing outside in the rain, without an umbrella!!
They say the sound of rain is relaxing, i guess they're kinda true.. but there is nothing quite like sitting in front of the window where it is raining admiring the view..
Everything, well nearly everything looks better wet
Especially flowers, they look cool when are wet with raindrops on their petals etc.
Today, i spent the last couple of hours with my mum and her partner at their new pub in Littlehampton (about 30mins tops away)
Its called The Locomotive, and it is pretty nifty and very snazzy!
Have spent the best part of the afternoon taking pictures for them, and on the way home my mums partner has asked me to design them some posters for Sunday Roasts.. mm mm mmmmm... hehe so looks like i going be helping out, in some ways!!
Just waiting on the info then i am on me way! :)
I am thinking about going to college to do a course on graphic design and website design or something, these subjects are what i enjoy doing the most that is, including photography!.. i love photography
I have been meaning to write to this for days but i just hadnt seem to had the energy or effort or even motivation to write or say anything..
Not much has happened, had a good and interesting christmas though, I spent it with my mum, mums partner and my sister showed up for half of it before going back to her boyfriends place, after forcing us to watch Eclipse i might add..!! lol
(cant complain, i guess, i did actually enjoy it)
I have been struggling a little bit with current situations and problems, but i am getting there! i have to, i gotta be the strong one for once, but it is proving difficult, at times!!
I am trying to tidy up, but again that is proving difficult when i do not seem to have the energy or motivation to do anything today, doesnt help that i am tired i guess, but still i just cant be bothered today!!
- have opened up some windows to let the air circulate a little, so least that is something, even if it is small hehe
Couple of days ago, [04:02:11]
My mum decided that it was time to sort through the garage, so we hired a skip and started going through the endless amounts of junk that was clogging up in the doorways and throughout the garage.
Came across few "vintage" stuffs that i forced my dad into letting me keep *grin* was hard, but i managed to twig it in the end hehehe
Found some of my stuff that i had not seen in 5 years also, reasons for some of it being so long was because of the fact that i had moved out, and away in 2005 to live with a boyfriend in Preston, so i was limited to the amount of things i could keep and take with me, so i managed to save all my dolphin photos and ornuments, even found all my 18th birthday present items i had not seen since i was given them.. so that was nice!
Just dont know what to do with all of them, if i should keep them boxed, use them, or allow someone else to have better useage of them more than what i had...?
ooh ooh ooh... even found my prom dress!! =) now that was cool, as i not seen my prom dress since i wore it in 2003...!!! Went to try it on, but it doesnt fit me :( didnt realise until after i tried it on that it was a size 18, well now, i am a size 22-24 (my bust) - i could had squeezed in it if it wasnt for the melons...! haha
- i did feel that i again should allow it go to a new home, for someone on ebay, for a Bridesmaid dress at a wedding, or another prom! - have warned it needs dry cleaning smells of storage!
There isnt much more i can say at the moment, apart from trying to rack my brains about last years events, which for some reason i had kinda forgot..!!! :( i cant believe i have pretty much forgotten most of what i went through, but i often dream about it and see if happening, which hardly makes sense...
Still... there are things i need to focus on and sort out!! Maybe instead of writing i should continue with my washing....???
FAT CHANCE..! ha ha