Somewhat Strange Day Today...

Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.

Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.

We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.

Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.

I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.

After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.

In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..

What A Week It's Been...

Been having a bit of a hard time at the moment as I have barely been sleeping. It started Tuesday night (7th November) I had a bit of a late night because I was worried about getting up and ready to go to my last appointment with a lady called Suzanne at 11am. So I didn't sleep much then and even though I take my medication around 9pm I was still awake early hours in the morning. I had my inspection the following day on the 8th and had to be up early then too. But again I had trouble sleeping so I had a few hours sleep and then spent the day distracting myself and stopping myself from sleeping.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.

The Mental Health System SUCKS...

On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.

Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.

Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.

In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.

When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.

Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.

I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..

Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!

Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system! 

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...!!

Today i was taken into town by the bested friend i could ever had asked for, he didnt have to take me out he could had ignored me, but no he didnt, he actually took me out of the house went into town everything..
i didnt buy anything, due to no money - yet.. but i think i got a few ideas for christmas presents either way.
mind u in saying that i recieved my first christmas card and christmas present last night from a friend =) first christmas present from a friend i believe in a very long time.. so i am quite chuffed to be honest, but still i aint gonna open it till christmas.. hehe
I had a bloody snow ball thrown at me from me mate and then i made a mini snow man on the bench lol he was well tiny.. but i couldnt do him properly as my hands were bloody cold...
I was really nervous about getting into town, on the bus i completely forgot what i was doing and where i was going .. and then when i got into town and could see loads of people my head felt heavy and i started feeling faint.. but i was brave and stuck it out and me and my friend went into town, was weird and was fiddling with my sleeves on my coat loads and in shops i was playing with the drawstring bit on the coat that supposed make it tight or loose..
We went around few shops, not many and then went into Morrisons and i got me some doughnuts and chocolate biccies *yum*
On the way home i was clinging onto the seat for dear life, god knows why but i just keep feeling nervous all the time no matter what i do where i go etc. its crazy crazy crazy!!! - i was going to take some pictures but by time we got there it had melted and was all slushy from the various buses and cars going round.. so that was bit disapointing.. but still i got some snaps before.. although thinking about going into the garden and making a snow man - again teehee.

And I Begin To Wonder..

Ok so now i have decided to try and sort a dentist out, after breaking 2 teeth, over the space of a year.. they have not caused any pain, and hardly any discomfort, but now i am worried as one of my teeth has only got a quarter left i believe.. its really scaring me because i dont want to be awake and i dont want to witness anything, i want to be sleep like they do for operations but apparently no one would do that. and what with my breathing problems and anxiety and panicking all the time - then it may go wrong or thats what i feel and worry about.. probably stupid n silly i know, but i know i wont be able to handle it.. i cringe at the noises and sounds in holby city and casulty.. so i feel and know i wont be able to cope!
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.

have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..

Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

December 12th

still recovering from yesterday with my 'counsiler' Kevin .. and i am hopefully going to start looking into the STEPPS programme.. hopefully it aint too complicated for me and i can easily read it - i am bit slow!
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.

I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

December 7th

had another sleepless night last night, slept for a couple of hours earlier on this afternoon for a couple of hours and now i am wide awake, so i got up to watch some films, at the moment i have got on Hercules (Disney) because my dvd of Dogma is warped - dunno what it really means, but i guess it could be short hand for it is buggered!?
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.

why...

god why is it nothing ever seems to ever go right for me any more i just dont understand any of this it is unbelievable!
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty

4th December 2..

Well.... what can i say about today!?

1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.

I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -

tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!

4th December..

well today i am up early after having a bit of a rough night.. but it wasnt too bad i suppose.

anyways today i has an interview thing at the job centre for the benefits ESA its a pathways to work thing, i neeed to be honest and truthal.. and hopefully they will help me more than being on JSA..

admittedly i am very nervous, i have not been out on my own in a while.. ok i aint been out on me own in over 2 months now, i am shaky, nervous, sick, got butterflies, etc.

i have got mum to meet me in town today, so hopefully.. i shouldnt be too bad as long as the old lady DOES meet me and not let me down, but then again this is me mother we are talking about here lol...!!!

will come back once i braved the outside by my self and have sorted out what needs sorting etc. just hope i dont do something drastic on the bus like try and take everyone hostage or something stupid ha ha (kidding)

3rd December

what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own  fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been  out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am  on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?

1st of December

well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!

i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!

back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol

hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!