Saturday, May 14

Happy 24th Birthday To Meee....

And what a day i had!!!!

My birthday was actually yesterday - friday 13th may, but i was so busy yesterday that i never got to post anything. Plus by the time i got home, i was kinda drunk! hehe
At my mums pub, i drank a whole bottle of some shot stuff called Cola Cubes with coke, with my sister including about 10 shots..!! holy crap..! lol i am writing this with a slight headache but i have in fact just had packet of crisps and took some ibuprofen, just waiting it to start easing off a bit.

I spent the day with mum and my sister.. and then evening at mums pub with my sister and mum and brother :) then my mums partner came along bit later..

I got few cards from friends :) and family, just waiting to hear about seeing my dad...

Got some really nice stuff, including mum paying for me to have my tattoo done!! woop woop

Gonna chill out now for the day as im knackered from the night before, and supposed to be going out tonight too!! gonna be fun fun fun! :)

Sunday, May 8

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..
And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..
I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.
Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,
But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!
no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

Wednesday, May 4

Happy 3rd Birthday

This is my gorgeous cousin.

Today is her 3rd birthday!!

I still believe that she was my 21st birthday present from my cousin! 

Cant believe how time has gone by so quickly, feels like only yesterday i held a tiny Summer in my arms.. whom pucked on my top! lol

I just wonder if my cousin is going to give me some more baby cousins, including a brother or sister for Summer, of course! 

Hee Hee Hee Hee

Still.. I just wanna say
x x x Happy Birthday x x x

Monday, May 2

My moon pictures

.. Pictures that i started taking to show the phases of the moon ..

8th April:

9th April:

10th April:

11th April:

12th April:

Missed a few days due to cloud

15th April:

16th April:

17th April:

18th April:
My Full Moon

garden weeds..

Ohh dear..
This was the vegetable patch last year.. filled with:
Spring Onions
..and more (i think)

Its a massive weed patch.. including some of the veg from above growing into seed..

All thats left to do now, is identify it all.. which i have to say is proving very difficult!!

Theres always something there to remind me...

Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.

I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.

This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.

So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!

Ohhh what do i do