Saturday, May 15

I Is Now, 23!!!

And to be honest, i feel no different than i did when i was 22!! lol

Only difference is, is that i am now 1 year closer to 30 *sigh*

I did, however have a lovely day with my mum & aunty michelle.. and then spending the evening with Tim!
We didnt go out in the end, as i was tired wondering around Chi all afternoon... so we had a TakeAway and watched a film... and it was lovely :)
We are however hoping to go out in the week to make up for not going out on my birthday (again lol)
For my birthday i got:
Money - Clothes - B-day Girl Balloon (x2 lost first one) - Daughter Keyring - Stargazers handbook - Notepad with matching address book - magnet! oh, and i should get my hanging baskets tomorrow from my aunty :)

Very chuffed with what i got to be honest.

We started the day in Lloyds bar in Chi, had some lunch - i had all day breakfast *yum* and then we tried some of the Cocktail Pitchers - we had a Cherry Orchard.
Then went to wonder around chi - and posted my sicknote recorded...! and then when we had finished we went into the pub opposite the Cathedral and had another cocktail pitcher and that was called a Fuzzy Navel.

Tuesday, May 11

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

Wednesday, May 5

Fire Fire

We've been out in the garden over the last couple of weeks or so having a massive sort out.. and set alight to the 'stuff' we no longer required.. like grass cuttings or the cut off's from trees etc.
and we put it in the incinerator to burrrrrrrn and i have to say it has been nice, we havent had the fire going for a while as it has been bad weather and cold...
But when we have had the fire i have been out there watching and taking pictures :)

My Hearts Just Not In It...

Lately i have just given up with writing blogs because

- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...

I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.

Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot

Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...
This is Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as  - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!

I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.