Wednesday, December 31
On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.
Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.
Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.
In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.
When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.
Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.
I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..
Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!
Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system!
Wednesday, December 24
I can't believe that it is the 24th December 2014!!
Where has this year gone!?
I have mixed feeling's this year though, I am looking forward to seeing my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for tea and for them to open their pressies and to open ours from them.
But, I do feel sad due to the amount of stories on Facebook with picture's and status' about their children opening letter's from Santa, leaving out milk and cookies or mince pies and also some food for the reindeer it does upset me a little bit because I should be doing all of this myself keeping the magic and the spirit of Christmas alive.. I do make a big thing about Santa when it comes to the little ones and my nephew being one of them as he's learning a little more about it this year which is good :)
Although there are people missing from our life, in our hearts and mind is where they'll stay.
Gotta find my Christmas Spirit in me ready for tomorrow evening when I have tea at my sister's
Wish me luck
Wishing All Of You Out There A Very Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year
Sunday, December 21
I am kinda looking forward to Christmas.... YES I Just said that :/
For the first time in many years, I have hated Christmas, just not been very interested in it and never knew why, I did mentally block a lot of my past out of my mind, so I think it might have been down to loosing my Nan early 1996, growing up and then within the last 5 years, my parent's splitting up!
I think that the magic of Christmas just shriveled up and died in me.. My sister on the other hand, she loves Christmas and everything about it.. She's always been like it, even before she had my nephew..
Only thing I loved about Christmas was Christmas music and movies.
My Favourite Christmas Movie:
Muppet's Christmas Carol
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
My Favourite Christmas Song:
Fairytale Of New York
When I was a kid, we would get out all the old Christmas video's we had, the Disney ones and sing a long songs.. And that's all I remember about Christmas when I was a kid.
There are some 'family videos' around where my parents used to record us opening gifts and playing with them but I can look at them now and I wouldn't even remember anything I got :( it is a little sad that I do not remember much, but I blocked out so much and I don't know why.
I am hoping that this year, my attitude towards Christmas will change.. I know that it isn't going to be the same, especially since I know there should be a little one running around and learning about the magic of Christmas, and leaving milk and mince pie for santa and a carrot for the reindeer lol
Hopefully.... One day..... My luck will change!