Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.

My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.

Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.

I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?

I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.

All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..

What A Christmas I Had...

This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..

Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.

Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!

As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol

I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.

It's Been A While Again.. I Must Keep This Updated Often...

I have been neglecting my blog again by accident. I was planning on writing to this every chance I got but I got distracted with sorting out other blogs and other pages that this one hasn't been touched in almost a year and this is not good.

A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.

Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..

I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.

Oops... I Did It Again...

I cannot believe that I have forgot about my blog, it wasn't intentional but it was because from where I did not have any proper internet for so long. I was able to piggyback of my neighbours wifi but they upgraded their internet and meant that it couldn't be accessed which was a shame.

Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!

In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.

My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!

I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.

I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.

My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.