Thunderrr

This is a clip i made in the garden when we had a massive thunder storm in June 2011.

I was so scared, i do not know or understand how i managed to go out into the garden to film this, but i did!

Check it out...

Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream

I am currently addicted to this song, I have it playing in my Spotify play list as i type!!

I am going to need to get it and put it on my phone/Ipod!!

Happy 24th Birthday To Meee....

And what a day i had!!!!

My birthday was actually yesterday - friday 13th may, but i was so busy yesterday that i never got to post anything. Plus by the time i got home, i was kinda drunk! hehe
At my mums pub, i drank a whole bottle of some shot stuff called Cola Cubes with coke, with my sister including about 10 shots..!! holy crap..! lol i am writing this with a slight headache but i have in fact just had packet of crisps and took some ibuprofen, just waiting it to start easing off a bit.

I spent the day with mum and my sister.. and then evening at mums pub with my sister and mum and brother :) then my mums partner came along bit later..

I got few cards from friends :) and family, just waiting to hear about seeing my dad...

Got some really nice stuff, including mum paying for me to have my tattoo done!! woop woop

Gonna chill out now for the day as im knackered from the night before, and supposed to be going out tonight too!! gonna be fun fun fun! :)

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

Happy 3rd Birthday

This is my gorgeous cousin.

Today is her 3rd birthday!!

I still believe that she was my 21st birthday present from my cousin! 

=)

Cant believe how time has gone by so quickly, feels like only yesterday i held a tiny Summer in my arms.. whom pucked on my top! lol

I just wonder if my cousin is going to give me some more baby cousins, including a brother or sister for Summer, of course! 

Hee Hee Hee Hee

Still.. I just wanna say

x x x Happy Birthday x x x

My moon pictures

.. Pictures that i started taking to show the phases of the moon ..

8th April:

9th April:

10th April:

11th April:

12th April:

Missed a few days due to cloud

15th April:

16th April:

17th April:

18th April:

My Full Moon

>> Click Here To View My Gallery <<

garden weeds..

Ohh dear..
This was the vegetable patch last year.. filled with:
Spring Onions
Beetroot
Onions
Leeks
Cucumber
..and more (i think)

Now...
Its a massive weed patch.. including some of the veg from above growing into seed..

All thats left to do now, is identify it all.. which i have to say is proving very difficult!!

Theres always something there to remind me...

Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.

I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.

This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.

So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!

Ohhh what do i do

Tadpoles..

These are just some of the tadpoles that were found in the garden pond.

I took loads of other pictures, but have only uploaded this image to

Deviant Art

I have to say, although one year we had a masses amount of frogs 'making love' in an old turtle sandpit we had when were younger, well really when my brother was younger lol

We don't really know HOW it happened.. apart from the fact that it clearly didn't wasnt shut properly the rain got in and then the masses amounts of frogs came! lol

Annoying thing is, is that i dont remember exactly what happened to the frogspawn and the tadpoles it would had became..

What a gorgeous few days it has been..

I have to say i am quite impressed with the weather at the moment..

Last couple of days have been pretty nice, sunny but not too hot with a nice cool breeze flowing in through the windows.
I have been outside in the garden the last couple of days enjoying it.. not sunbathing, but just enjoying it.

Really, i have to admit i LOVE the rain, and would rather sit outside in a rain storm .. yes a rain storm!!
But it has been pretty neat.

Hopefully it will stay like this for a couple of days as i can then get out in the garden and take more pictures of the wildlife and plants etc.
Yesterday, i managed to get some amazing pictures of tadpoles, really wish i could've bought them home! but dont have anywhere to keep them really!!

Although, i could had made up a fish tank, then i could study them and learn how to they grow into frogs, now that would've been a cool idea!
Maybe i should do that next year?
Hopefully, we'll have a pond by then, so can keep them in garden but i would also like to have a tank to keep them in indoors so i can watch them grow... cool? i think so!!!

Don't Like What You See? Then Don't Look

Some people are just so rude..

So what I aint much to look at, do you really think I care? Funny how the ones who call me names aint much themselves.. i guess putting others down makes your crappy existance better to yourself, eh?

Put me down all you like..

I Don't Care Anymore

Thinking Gives Me Headaches..

Lately i have been feeling down in the dumps and i have been keeping it all to myself and locking it up in my head and throwing away the keys..
But i have been thinking about how to resolve some of the problems, dread etc. and decided that the best thing to do is admit defeat (again) and go back to the doctors (again) and sort myself (again)!!!

...I cant seem to keep things going and i cant seem to be able to sort myself out properly, or by the time i do i cant continue being "strong" and i give up, but i really need to learn to stop giving up, but it is easier said then done.

Tomorrow i am going to sort out getting to the doctors for one, i cannot continue on with my life feeling the way i do day in and day out, struggling with myself and my thoughts and feelings.. and problems!
I need to learn to talk to someone and open up..

Japanese, Saving Dolphins...!!

i was flicking through my facebook like i normally do, and someone had posted about a baby dolphin being washed up in a rice field that was rescued, over a week later since the earthquake/tsunami.

I know that most japanese people kill whales and dolphins for meat and other things, and i have to say i was suprised to learn of someone saving it.

please follow this Dolphin rescued from rice field 12 days after tsunami link..

I have to admit, like she said "It was better than dying in a rice paddy"

Awww.. i do hope that the baby found its way home, and is eating properly now..

Poor little thing...

I gotta get me one of these..

This is one of the most cutest things i have watched on youtube today!

I love cats & kittens! they're adorable, i dont know what i would do without my cats i have here..

Only trouble is, these videos of kittens are making me broody! 

Thinking Of You, With Love.. As Always!!

This is a little something that i wrote for my nan, today is the anniversary of her death, and i always try and write a little something, as it shows that i am thinking of her.

Tonight, i plan to dig out my candles and write her name, or even the letter V ( her name's Violet ) in tealights and then light them when i feel ready to.

I may actually do this outside on the ground..  but would be even cooler if i could do it on the beach like all of the amazing blogs i've read on here..

Still, something i do should and will be a little bit special, even if it isnt the same as everyone else's ideas etc.

15 years has flown by fast
Why didn't the memories of you ever last
I miss you more each day
but I still love you Nan in every way
I still cant believe your gone.
I think of all that you missed out
Unfortunately this is something one can do about
For now I live with you in my head
And dream what could've been in my bed
But I wish I could be with you
I also wish i could bring you back just for the day
Just so i could make new memories come my way
It never gets easier each year passing by
I still question it, I wish I knew why
I really want to hear your voice again

R.I.P Nan, Always in my heart, Gone.. Not Forgotten!!

21.06.1940-06.03.1996