Why Are People Cruel & Heartless....?

Today..

I am being blamed for ruining someones life, when i have done nothing to this person in question.

For months and months and months she has been told where to go and to leave me alone etc. but she ignores mine and tims requests and turning it around to say that he doesnt want me and he wants her etc. and thats how it goes..

Tonight i have been told that i will have killed two babies...

but i genuinly cannot see how i have done this, i am the one who has been recieving messages saying stuff like:

"im going to abort my baby just to keep you happy"

"i am taking all my tablets just to make you happy"

..she keeps threatening me with killing her self etc, and blaming it all on me, i do not understand why...

It aint my fault that tim doesnt want her,

but because she knows of my BPD(borderline personality disorder) & Anxiety & Depression.. she now knows about the baby i have just lost.. etc.

she knows that she can get to me because of the way i am!

she has sent me a picture tonight of what is meant to be her baby ... telling me that it was that that i would be killing!

i am distraught and very mixed up and confused, how can someone put that amount of pressure on someone..

i myself do not know if i am coming or going as it is let alone having some mental case telling me i am killing her baby

i've also recieved endless amounts of threats to be beaten to a pulp... and everything

=(

i am genuinely feeling fed up...

fed up with being threatened to be beaten to a pulp

fed up being the reason why someone is aborting their baby

fed up with being the reason why she has to cause problems

i aint exactly done anything to her, it aint my fault that tim dont want her... is it!?

i am so confused.. distraught.. scared.. mixed up...

Barracuda - Heart

At the moment i am constantly playing:

I am listening to this all the time on my phone when i start up the mp3 player i seem to keep loading up this one first

=)

Rain.. Rain... Rain....

Ahhh man.. i started writing something really cool.. and then suddenly looked out window whilst typing and the rain has stopped! lol
i was going to say about how nice it looks outside, despite it being bit dark and gloomy, especially when it was nice and sunny not 20mins ago.
...nevermind!
i will just say that i love the rain...!!!

Thank God Its Friday...

Ok well many not "Thank god its friday" but still.. its a different day, right!?

I am slowly getting there after my bad day i had the other day..
Today it has now been 2 weeks since i had the termination.. and i still sit here and think how on earth have i manged to go through it and cope with the last 2 weeks..!?
Still.. i will get some money again soooooonies and i will get to do bit more, may even think about making something for my now angel in heaven in the garden hehe

I missed my blood tests yesterday due to no moneys! :( and my dad didnt get in touch when apparently he was in Barnham Trading Post but didnt bother to let me know he could help me.. bit disappointed to be honest.. but what can you do!?

Spent the last few days indoors, not hiding, but staying as i have been out alot over the last 2 weeks.. but i also staying in due to no funds... so either way it had to be done *boohoo*

Has Been Thinking..

And i feel and think that maybe it is wise that i cut myself off from the world..
Like, hide away in a house all the time, and keep myself away from people, sort of like being locked up in a cell or a room or something, so that i not at risk to people anymore?
I feel strongly that i am just no good of person to be around anymore and i aint wanted nothing..

I hate change, and im scared of what will happen...

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

Oh God Its Sunday Again...

i for some reason hate and know its sunday! and to make matters worse i was awake very very early this morning!
i am shattered to be honest, but i aint gonna sleep no more now!

i wonder what i shall do today... but i think i might actually work upon my websites seen as i have not actually touched any of them in a long while..
shall be interesting me thinks!!

Thinking Of You With Love...

Thinking of my Nanny today..

She died March 6th 1996 of Breast Cancers, she was 55 when she died.

I was only 9 years old at the time, so i unfortnatly do not remember her much, all i have is the memory of her before she died, and the little things we did together when i was younger.

i dont remember how shed looked or anything anymore, all i have is a picture, to remind me of whom she was.

Dear Nanny,

14 years is a very long time, and i miss you and love you so much more each day.

There is never a day that passes that i wish you was still alive, with us now.. watching us all grow up and even see your

First Great-Granddaughter... Summer-Violet..

etc.

I wished for many times after you had gone to find a way to bring you back, rid you of your cancer and make you well again.. but unfortunatly i am not able to that, and i so wish i could!

So, for now, i have to sit here and try to think of things as they were, and wonder what it is like in heaven..

Hope your meet me on the other side Nan,

Love Always, 

Samantha xxx

Rest In Peace

Nanny Lee

(22.06.1941 to 06.03.1996)

These images are the ones that i had created with PaintShop Pro over the last couple of years..

Love You Nan xx

Boyzone - Gave It All Away..

I was told about this song tonight, and i have to say that Boyzone did a good song here..

I was told that this song was made and recorded whilst Stephen was alive.. and i have to say its a great song, and i am so going to get it when it comes out (if it hasnt already)

I would recommend you listen to this,

RIP Stephen Gately!!!

Fun.. Fun.. Fun...

Today after spending the day in bed being ill.. i went out with my other half and his kids! :)

was kinda nice actually.. but have to admit it bit hard, when they not my own! i felt bit sad today because although its good "practise" they aint mine.. and well watching them all 'playfight' etc. it kinda makes me sad because i feel bit like outcast.. probs silly.. just i wish i had a child who wanna play with me.. one of his kids aint too bad... i was getting hugs from one of them and spent the day playing with her.. and pushing around in pushchair..!
I did get some picture's as did my other half and done some funny videos that was cool.. :)

still.. to end this day i got a phone call from the Hospital telling me that they would like me to go back on the 11th for my last (possible final) blood test... just to make sure that my hormone levels go back to normal and there was no problems with my results which means i dont have to have another Injection for the termination because it has done what it was meant to do.. so thats kinda good i guess.

What a day..

Man Oh Man...
yesterday was like the day from hell.. i was well ill! :( and i dont even have a clue WHY... i just remember waking up with a very bad headache at 6am.. thought ahh i go back to sleep, i will feel better... and then again i woke up at 8 with the headache... did the same again and woke up at 10 this time and i really didnt feel well :( and i spent the day on the sofa and in bed as i couldnt stop being sick! i couldnt eat.. nothing! :( was dreadfull.. luckily come 10pm i managed to eat some Tomato Soup & Toast.. and i wasnt sick again!
Woke up this morning and i was like yyyyaaaaayyyy i dont feel sick no more, and to celebrate at 9:30am i ate a Chery Bakewell lol

my.. my.. my..

What A Day... What A Day...

Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)

The Trouble Is..

... I Just Cant Bloody Sleeps!

I thought i was doing ok when i fell asleep pretty quick last night around 12am.. until i kept waking in the night and drinking exessivly.. normally i dont bother with drinking especially at night, but for some reason all i keep doing is drinking drinking and drinking! lol
i dunno what it is thats doing this, i feel like i have heartburn alot...?

Not sure if it is the drug i have in my system from the termination i had to recieve.. well start on the 26th of feb i dunno!

Today I Am Loving...

Boyzone - When All Is Said And Done album!

Bought on www.play.com a few weeks ago for just £2.99!!!

..i love this album i did have it on cassette but now i own it on CD woopwoop

Here are the songs on the album on youtube:

Oh Carol is not on YouTube (yet .. if i have my way it will be on....)

Sorry that some of these are live versions, or crappy quality but i couldnt find anything decent!

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!