I Is Now, 23!!!

And to be honest, i feel no different than i did when i was 22!! lol

Only difference is, is that i am now 1 year closer to 30 *sigh*


I did, however have a lovely day with my mum & aunty michelle.. and then spending the evening with Tim!
We didnt go out in the end, as i was tired wondering around Chi all afternoon... so we had a TakeAway and watched a film... and it was lovely :)
We are however hoping to go out in the week to make up for not going out on my birthday (again lol)
For my birthday i got:
Money - Clothes - B-day Girl Balloon (x2 lost first one) - Daughter Keyring - Stargazers handbook - Notepad with matching address book - magnet! oh, and i should get my hanging baskets tomorrow from my aunty :)

Very chuffed with what i got to be honest.

We started the day in Lloyds bar in Chi, had some lunch - i had all day breakfast *yum* and then we tried some of the Cocktail Pitchers - we had a Cherry Orchard.
Then went to wonder around chi - and posted my sicknote recorded...! and then when we had finished we went into the pub opposite the Cathedral and had another cocktail pitcher and that was called a Fuzzy Navel.

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

Fire Fire

We've been out in the garden over the last couple of weeks or so having a massive sort out.. and set alight to the 'stuff' we no longer required.. like grass cuttings or the cut off's from trees etc.
and we put it in the incinerator to burrrrrrrn and i have to say it has been nice, we havent had the fire going for a while as it has been bad weather and cold...
But when we have had the fire i have been out there watching and taking pictures :)

My Hearts Just Not In It...

Lately i have just given up with writing blogs because

- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...


I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.

Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot

Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...

This is Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as  - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!

I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.

Race For Life - Breast Cancer Research Charity

I dont actually have a clue who reads this or who doesnt, and what 'audience' this goes out too..

but i wanted to share this,

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/saraosman1

My mum is taking part in the Race For Life at Fontwell in June, and i want to see if i can help her get some more sponsers!

She is doing it in memory of her mum, whom died in 1996 of Breast Cancer aged 56. And this year (in June) it would be her 70th Birthday.. to which is why mum is doing it this year in aid of her.

(this is my nan - left)

I myself did a mini fundraiser last year for Cancer Research, i held a Disco type event with Raffles And tonnes of 80's musics.

I hope that who ever reads this, stops by the link and makes a donation, no matter how much big or small it all helps and it goes towards

Breast Cancer Research.

I will be posting the link over a few of my websites.. i really hope that we can help make a difference.

SUPPORTING THE FIGHT FOR THE CURE OF BREAST CANCERS

I Love Astronomy

and i also love my new camera lol the other day i wrote about going out with my uncle to guildford to do star gazing, and well i blooming well went!! yes, i went all the way to guildford!! - difference is i had my uncle with me as he picked me up and drove me there and bought me back again, i have to say the journey there was long.. and went through the hills and valleys and it was gorgeous view - even watching what looked like a Kestrel or Hawk dropping down a mouse that they had captured from the sky! lol

It was an event that was created to help get people involved of many ages, and also people to bring out their scopes and give other people the chance to talk to them about their equipment etc.

My uncle had most people wondering around him and talking to him it was quite amazing really, i mean he knew so much and was able to talk about it as if he has been doing it for years and is like a professor at a school or something...

Here are some of the pictures that i took that night, this was on the 17th April at Newlands Centre in Guildford area.

We got to the place around 4pm, and started to set up - but i was mesmerized by the view i didnt actually help my uncle - oops!

The reason in which he wanted to set up so early was because he wanted to view the Sun.. yes, the Sun! you can only do this with the nessecary equipment and cannot do it with a normal lens as the lens is glass, and it could easily break the glass which would cause it to shatter etc.

But he did have everything you need to observe the sun, and i have to say looking through the telescope it looks like a white spot - there was nothing to be seen on the sun as nothing was happening, normally you can see Sun Spots and any other activity going on, but to be honest it was boring - even my uncle said the same! lol

During the course of the evening they had a projection show going on in the centre with refreshments and information about Astrology/Astronomy

I got to see and learn a fair amount of stuff, including viewing the stars and got to see one of the brightest Satelites in the sky.

Through the telescope i got to see:
The Sun & The Moon & Saturn & Mars & Venus

And i have to say it was amazing, but not the same experience as i had when i first experienced seeing Jupiter through the telescope.

This is a picture of the view from the hill that we had set up the gear.

I had binoculars with me also that night, so i could see right to the top of the hills - which as you can tell judging by the picture are far far away! And indeed they are, My uncle was telling me how they were setting up the night before taking pictures and star gazing with telescopes etc. Beautiful isnt it?I tell you, i would love a house with a view as gorgeous as this or even of the sea! i would be in heaven, i can assure you ;)

after a while we were not the only people with a Telescope set up...

Then a few more people came - unfortunatly i took the picture at the same place, i couldnt find anything clear enough with some more people around

This is a picture of my uncle andy talking to someone about Astronomy and the stars etc.

This is a picture that i took that night of the Moon, with Venus shining below it just above the trees, it was not as good as the other pictures i took a couple of nights before, but it is as good as.

You need to click the image to make it full screen as you cant see venus very well what with being so close to the tree, and where the moon is higher up from the day i first started to take pictures

But i took the picture because i wasnt sure of what the bright shiny star was to show my Uncle Andy as he would know what it was, when i could had really looked at the software.

The software that we use is Stellarium - this is planterium software that shows you exactly where the planets are at the moment, how the stars are set out in the sky - and it is updated fairly often in the day to show you exactly how it is looking 'up there'

I use this alot - just checking out where things are, how things look at night especially where i cant see from one night to the next.

And this image here is a close up (well as close as i could get) that day.

This is the Waxing Cresent Moon 

I believe i heard that day that the moon was actually '3 days old'

Gorgeous, isnt it?

I took this picture, and the ones before this one with my Hitachi 10mp camera, i only had a 3x optical zoom!

But still, for a compact camera i did pretty well, or at least i thought have! :)

Or better yet, this is the most recent picture i have taken of the 'sky'

This is the Moon (obviously)

I took this on the 22nd April, with my new Fuji s5700 Digital camera, similar to the DSLR camera, but not as quite as many features as a DSLR.

I bought this camera during the week of Ebay

(gotta love that site) It has a 7.01mp and 10x Opitcal Zoom... Not bad Eh?

PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL THESE IMAGES NEED TO BE CLICKED TO VIEW THE FULL IMAGE

Check the links below
Celestron 21061 AstroMaster 70 AZ Refractor Telescope

Celestron 21024 FirstScope Telescope 

Celestron NexStar 130 SLT Computerized Telescope 

Astronomy: A Beginner's Guide to the Universe (5th Edition) 

Astronomy: A Self-Teaching Guide (Wiley Self-Teaching Guides) 

Astronomy For Dummies 

Astronomy: A Beginner's Guide to the Universe with MasteringAstronomy (6th Edition) 

Sky & Telescope's Pocket Sky Atlas 

Star Gazing 

NightWatch: A Practical Guide to Viewing the Universe 

Map Of The Sky, Art Poster 

Celestron 21024 FirstScope Telescope

Night Sky Star Wheel

Astro-Pack all you need to know for Astronomy hobby, contains Star Finder, Star Chart, Night Sky and Planisphere in a hard bound box

It's Such A Perfect Day...

And i am glad i am feeling so much better than i did yesterday!!!

Yesterday i had a god awful headache and i was sick aswel.. NO fun!

I have not got much to update, except i am feeling bit down in the dumps and bit annoyed about 'Pathways' which is this course thing i HAVE to do on ESA - I emailed the woman i saw to let her know what was going on with Ectopic Pregnancy when i first had the injections on the 26th Feb, and i never had a response, i believe the only letter i had was telling me i missed it - and i am sure i never had another appointment gave to me? or even if i did i wouldnt had got it on time, or i was in hospital.. it wasnt my fault. i told her at the time i prefered to be contacted via email or text - there was nothing stopping her telling me there was a letter on the way, or even better send me a copy of the bloody letter via email!

and yet I am now in trouble (i think) for it but i have no idea why.. i had my money stopped for about 2 months between feb & 2 weeks ago and i assumed that i was on the appeal and that i wasnt being seen etc. or i wasnt involved in pathways no more as i never heard from the woman again despite emailing her.. and then out of the blue i find out she has been ringing me and i bloody missed 'em because they've rung me up on with held (which i dont answer thanks to a complete idiot you know who you are) or my phone was off because again of the idiot!

I just dont understand why all this crap happens to me, nothing is ever easy, nothing is ever simple anymore! and i had gone onto ESA for extra support into getting me back into work safely after the problems i have had over the years with people & my mental health.. and yet after the phone call with her yesterday i felt kinda upset, and disapointed when i tried to explain what had happened i had the attitude:

"well its not me its effecting"

..I mean talk about bloody rude! she knew i have my phone on silent because its easier for me, and she knew i rather be texted than phoned or emailed - so why did she choose to ignore me and ring my mobile instead, i will never know!

Still.. least i got my sick note sent in, i just dont have a clue whatsoever on what to do about her and the course anymore!

I am still waiting to find out if i am gonna be able to get on to this STEPPS programme with the Bedale Centre which is a course enabled for people in need of better coping mechanisms etc.

But then again i have not actually seen him since poss beginning Feb...?

- again that was due to the Ectopic Pregnancy and being in and out of hospital for Blood Tests, Scans, Examinations etc.

Still.. only time will tell i guess..

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD

Mental Health and Mental Illness

Prentice Hall Reviews & Rationales: Mental Health Nursing (2nd Edition)

Mental Health: Dimensions of Self-Esteem and Emotional Well-Being

PDR Drug Guide for Mental Health Professionals, 3rd Edition

Unsupported losses: Ectopic and molar pregnancy and blighted ovum

Ectopic Pregnancy Medical Guide

21st Century Ultimate Medical Guide to Problem Pregnancies - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Ectopic Pregnancies - Authoritative Clinical Information for Physicians and Patients (Two CD-ROM Set)

Dystocia; Ectopic Pregnancy (Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology, Vol. 30, No. 1, March 1987)

Ohhhhh.... Its Been A While... ;)

Hehe i just love that part from scary movie with her "afro bush" lol

Well, it has been a while since i have written to any of my blogs, and well i stopped to try and see if it stops people interfering, and funnily enough since i have not written anything to it i have had no idiots causing hassle.. so maybe NOW i can continue to write my blog without the problems that they've caused from it!

Nothing much has changed in the last few weeks, except still trying to start to get over the operation, which i am not getting out properly... i dont want it to be an ongoing thing, but i guess i just think:
"im 22, in a way i have half my reproductive system... am i 'normal' etc."

On the upside (i think) I have bought myself alot of stuff on ebay... items such as:
HEADPHONES - BRAS (yes they are brand new...) - HAIR EXTENSIONS - HAIR STRAIGHTNERS - NEW CAMERA - DVDS...

I have not done too bad, considering i have been selling too...!

Got my new bras today, including one of my dvds and my hair straightners, so i am trying out all those before i go out tonight,

oh yeh main reason for why i am writing this lol - i am going out tonight with my uncle, to do star gazing! =) - but this time i am going with him to an event in Guildford ...!!!

I have been out before with my uncle, but that was in September time..? - i am waiting on getting a telescope through him too...

I have been taking images of Venus Thursday night and i took picture of the Moon & Venus last night... my camera is a standard compact 10mp camera with 3x optical zoom!

(I bought myself a new one with 7mp and 10x optical zoom!...so i will be able to get better images hopefully)

Here is an image of the moon i took with venus shining below it:

I am hoping to get some new pictures tonight, as my uncle will be showing me just how i can take better images - not that it matters, but it be useful when i sell my camera i have now to make up for buying the new one..

Who knows, i might just get some pictures of some Galaxies.. or maybe even Saturn or Mars (as they're out the same time not long after Venus - between approx half 8 and 9pm - which you have to look to the WEST for!!!)

Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers...

Nice weather for the ducks they say...

Well i for one LOVE it! i love watching the rain fall down the windows and listening to it when it hits the window ... there is nothing quite relaxing about the rain! =)

...Today i have been thinking loads about ALL the problems thats going on around me, well at least one of them i can sort out which should make things more easier and better for myself.. (hopefully) but then will have to wait and see.
Other thing is what i am going to do about myself... i have pretty much been indoors alot at the moment, due to no moneys *boohoo* was hoping to have had my money on yesterday but nothing,  and nothing again today - talk about unfair! i rung up Monday too.. told me 3 working days, so that would had made it yesterday, but i guess they never bothered to catch up with their "email" meh.. well least i got few things to be sold on Ebay which might make things bit better and help in a small way - hopefully..
Plus the few bits i am selling, i no longer use and just sitting around collecting dust... so least i make little bit monies and also the bits i no longer use are being sent to new and good homes - so thats always a plus plus plus!!
Things really need to change in my life.. but at first i need to desperatly start to get over the Ectopic Pregnancy and try to think positive about it, but it is difficult when i been feeling strange about myself for the last few days, just silly little things.. but it doesnt help i aint really seen my mental health counciler person Kevin! i missed two of his appointments in March first being the Methotrexate injection and the second being i was in pissing hospital.. but unfortantly none of them could be avoided but i should had really rung up 2 weeks ago when i got out of the hospital so i had the appointment ready - but as usual for me i dont think of things like that that far ahead - oops!

Should I Keep Or Should I Let Go....?

This is the big question i have to ask .. not that i have any readers ...but just something i wanted to put out..

I never get any response from this blog, i do not get any comments or any followers ...is there really any point in keeping this page going..?
I really thought that having this open might help someone else like me seek the help or advice that is required, but no one responds!

I guess it kinda feels like i invisible on the internet as i am in the 'real world' - sometimes i feel and think that it would be easier to be a virtual being.. hmm...

I dont understand what it is i am doing wrong, i just really wanted to help people!!!

Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...

But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..

I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!

But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:

*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *

I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!

anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!

.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..

why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?

its hardly fair anymore

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:

- "your the biggest bitch in the world"

- "your a BULLY"

- "you ruined my life"

and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:

"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"

..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?

I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..

1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why

2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more

3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)

i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..

my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 

my brother was there with me sitting in A&E

my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called

my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..

my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation

....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked

=(

^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

1 Week On...

This time last week i was in the middle of having my operation! scary thoughts really.. in some ways!
i cant believe how quick it has kinda gone by, and i also cant believe i still aint got my head around it and it still has not sunk in, but i guess it could be due to the faulse hopes i was kinda given over the last month did not really help much, but i guess when i think about it properly and realise that i have only got one ovary & fallopian tube now and the chances of having another baby are going to be cut by half.. although i am unsure on how i would concieve again as i thought i was infertile.. plus i dont know if i would have an ectopic again! - hopefully NOT but its still risks & things i have at back of mind.

Today i had to go to the doctor to hand over my information from the operation last week, unfortunatly my darling brother wrote on my envelope thinking it was scrap/rubbish! so it may be well seem bit weird on the page but i guess they can get another copy from the hospital if need be and required..!
anyways.. my dr said that my "glued bits" are healing up nicely, my middle one has been oozing, but unsure if it is old or new, but said that they are looking ok and i have no worries about them, just leave the air to get to it! I also feel i may have a urine infection something like thrush/cystitus.. but she did say i am bound to get an infection but my body shall fight it but if still not good by weekend or whatever i go back and sort it properly.. i got new tablets Naproxen as the diclofenic ones apparently cause heart disease n can cause stomach upset and the dr dont prescribe them i was thinking OMG.. but its ok! lol
Went to get my prescription got back in car realised i had not picked up my sick note so i had to go back into the surgery to get it from the front desk - then found out that there are debt collecters after me oops.. so i had to then sort out my sick note for the ESA on the phone, tried to contac the debt collectors to see if i can sort out payments next week as no money till esa sick note back on!

Now however i am resting, as i kinda feel i may have over done it tonight, as i am feeling tiny bit sore again but i guess it is now the air, sweat and skin to skin rubbing..

What A Week...

Sunday 14th March was Mothers Day... it wasnt so bad, i wasnt sad too much because obviously i lost my baby on the 26th of feb.. so i spent the day with my other half, his 2 kids and his mate.. was lovely, had a fun filled day with laughs and giggles from the kids..
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..

at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!

i have a gone too soon page up on the internet
http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.

I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe

I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(

oh my god... what ever next..

When will this shit end..!?

grr seriously this girl is mental.. threatening me first to have me beaten up and then to have me taken away by pyshchiatrists & men in white coats.. and now the police.. what ever next...?
..i dont get it.. i mean it ok her telling us she fed up being treated like shit or told kill herself but in fact it is the other way around..

i am being threatened with:

- pyschiatrists and the men in white coats to take me away

- be beaten up by various people

- and now being in trouble with the police...

...is she having a laugh?

she is a mental case.. rings up constantly .. texts all the time, claims she is pregnant, claims she has having abortions and miscarriages etc. 

she is telling me that i am to blame for everything that is going wrong in her life - yet she is the one causing all the problems!

i was awake till very late last night in a state for what she has been saying and doing to me, and now i have to change my mobile number to get rid of the sad individual.. and i believe me other half now has to do the same!

Its ok her telling me how much of a nut job i am for what i have done, and the violence streaks i have that dont come out all the time

but she wasnt so quick to start a fight herself when she was here a few months ago because she didnt like it she was told to leave and didnt like it she was told she was not wanted but insisted she HAD to stay because she was covered in bruises - but she had no markings on her at all my other half did! 

i swear she sets the police on me, then fine! i can get her into far more shit.. plus she is supposed to work with kids in a nursery in chichester....!? seriously if she acts like this all the time then aint them kids in danger themselves!?

I have never ever come into this sort of trouble ever in my life! 

this girl has ruined her own life for being such a dickhead and ruining friendships and relationships! 

she has been hanging around in the darkness for almost 2 years now, and she still doesnt get that it aint her he wants it is me but she insists otherwise claiming she has all this evidence but never proves anything!

Why is it me who is being targetted for this nonsense... i have not done a thing wrong to her - everything i have said about her and the way she acts and what is going on she is jealous.. but no she wont admit it she says all the time

"why would i be jealous of a retard like you"

and then why call me a retard!? how am i a retard..?

...aint that offensive to people who do have proper problems etc...!?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder..

and the thing that she does and say and everything make me change within seconds! i am frantically typing at my laptop writing this because i am so darn angry at her and for what she is doing and causing!

I just hope that when tim and i do get married she realise she has lost and fuck off and ruin someone elses life! 

I do not want to live the next 10, 20 years with some idiot like her who wont let go because she has no one else to fall back on, no one else wants her because of the way she is!

...garentee i get told that all this is me none of it her etc. - thing is i have all the recordings on the phones from what she says about me to me one answer machines! 

maybe i should post a cd of her screams and shouts down the phone, stupid threats and send them to her work

People say i am a psycho.. but no one actually knows what i and my other half have to deal with!

Maybe its her who needs be sectioned, taken away or whatever ... she is the one who threatens to kill herself because she cant get what she wants!

oh but then again, she does in the end, and that is stupid attention!!!

i am so angry its un true! thanks to her i now do not feel safe anywhere, she says she knows where my mum lives, she knows where my other half lives... no one or nothing is safe anymore!!
 

if anyone has any suggestions, help or ideas then please get in touch!

I cant cope with any of this anymore, and i seriously do not have a clue on what to do anymore! its beyond a joke!