Day 54 (24.11.09)
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!
it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..
i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!
it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..
i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(
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