Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!!

WOW

i woke up around 4:30am as wanted a drink and was cold suddenly had urge to look outside and BAM everything was white.. with the snow still falling.. it looks so magical out there it really does!!
i dont remember the last time i saw Snow in Bognor, and in december too.

I have been out there already,  i was out there at 5am messing around trying to get some pictures, i am going to go back out but waiting for the light to come up - and it is taking its sweet arse time.. i really wanna get some more pictures .. as my phone aint very good even if it does have a flash - but i dont think that it is good enough in the dark and trying to look out into the distance too.

We may be going to town sooon, going early seen as we are awake etc. but it depends how feeling as it is kinda cold out side and stuff but who knows..

I already had a nice cuppa hot chocolate..

(not that it looked like this but still)

And then had a nice hot cup tea too which i have been dunking some biscuits in like i always do with Tea.. hehe

Will add some of my photos soon when i take some more and find my micro sd adapter to go into my sd card reader on my laptop.. fingers crossed the light come up soon i really really wanna go back outside lol

but for now, i am laying on the sofa with GMTV on (nothing else on this time of morning) with the fire burning.. not really toasty - yet - but i am hoping it warm me or toast me up soon lol

17th December

oh my god.. talk about hetick lol
i been helping a friend sort out their reciepts and i have never ever seen so many in my life lol.. i am helping to sort them out dating back to 2008.. there are thousands lol
so that has really kept me quiet for most of the day, so thats been cool.. been very very cold..
all i seem to want to eat at the moment is Oranges...

I have also spent bit of time watching dvds such as..

....well i tried but about 10-15mins in it starts making really loud buzzing noise =(

Tried this one:

this worked well..

and in the end i gave up with disney and christmas films so i watched:

This is my favourite part of the film..

.. so i finished my evening watching this last night lol ..

And I Begin To Wonder..

Ok so now i have decided to try and sort a dentist out, after breaking 2 teeth, over the space of a year.. they have not caused any pain, and hardly any discomfort, but now i am worried as one of my teeth has only got a quarter left i believe.. its really scaring me because i dont want to be awake and i dont want to witness anything, i want to be sleep like they do for operations but apparently no one would do that. and what with my breathing problems and anxiety and panicking all the time - then it may go wrong or thats what i feel and worry about.. probably stupid n silly i know, but i know i wont be able to handle it.. i cringe at the noises and sounds in holby city and casulty.. so i feel and know i wont be able to cope!
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.

have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..

Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

The Muppets Christmas Carol..

Tonight i started to get into the spirit of christmas by watching:

The Muppets Christmas Carol..

..i do have various other Disney Christmas Dvds - its just finding them, i am missing about 7 or 8?! not sure, but me thinks i will dig them all out tonight =)

I am sitting by the fire with the telly on watching in amazement, as i do always when i watch The Muppets Christmas Carol!? lol

I have had a pretty weird day, i mean last night went to bed very early, around 11pm.. last time i looked at clocks was 12:30am and then i woke up around 3ish to have a drink and i been pretty much awake since! :(

..i wasnt tired enough to sleep in the end so i got up.. but stayed in bed as had a funny tummy and was very very cold..

I eventually went to sleep around 12pm, but that was short lived what with the phone ringing every so often.. so i gave up! i was going to have a 'nap' when i had my bath, but i was laying in bed for around half hour and i just couldnt settle and didnt seem to want to sleep.. so i got up made me something to eat as i had not eaten yet, so since doing all this i am now glued to telly for the moment with as i said the muppet christmas carol.. but i am dettermind now to go and get my other dvds or at least find them! lol

Christmas...

 

 

(these are some xmas images i made with paintshop pro couple of years ago i thought i would share as we are on the topic of christmas at the moment)

Oh my, i cant believe how close we now are to christmas, and i am very concerned.. as i have no money, and where i has no stamps i aint sent off my sick notes for my ESA so i cannot get any money until they recieve, so that means i prob wont get no pennies now until after xmas! :(

...i suppose it aint TOOOO bad, i mean at least i can go out with my mum, brother and sister and give them monies 2 spend so they can buy what they want, as i aint got a clue what to get them weather i had the monies or not! lol

i have a christmas cd on my laptop, the now xmas one! and everytime a christmas song comes on i skip it.. but apart of me wants to watch my xmas disney dvds - just i aint got a clue where the hell i put them - oops - but i does have one in the cupboard, so 1 out of 6 aint too bad, right!? lol

i might just dig out ALL my dvds shortly and bring out the christmas ones and sit in the front room with the fire on and my laptop with me watching christmas movies tonight, i dunno why but apart of me is dreading it, and apart of me aint! but now i wanna watch the xmas dvds i own so i am going to have to go off and find them me thinks!? lol

Oh here is a picture that i made earlier on this afternoon.. was to be a background for my website but i aint gonna get my websites done in time for them to be made christmassy *sobs* but at least i can get them ready for next year ha ha ha

And here is a gorgeous Christmas Cat i just HAVE to share because i love it and is also my display picture on my facebook :) sooo cute...

ohh and some candles and some tinsel etc.

....ok maybe i am slightly looking forward to christmas...MAYBE....

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!

December 12th

still recovering from yesterday with my 'counsiler' Kevin .. and i am hopefully going to start looking into the STEPPS programme.. hopefully it aint too complicated for me and i can easily read it - i am bit slow!
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.

I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

the thoughts of christmas..

well the thoughts of christmas are very slowly catching up with me.
I was sitting in the lounge the other night thinking, why aint the decs up - every other house is done, and they have been decorating for xmas during November! so i wonder when someone put them up!?
...then i realised that yesterday was 9th december, our traditions as a family since 1992 was, every year on the 9th december the decs went up, because thats when our brother come home from the hosptial, as he was 5 weeks prem. they bought him home that day and the decs were put up from him to come to 'christmas' as in a way it was his first christmas.. so since this day in 92 the decs went up... except now what with dad spending more time in Reading with his little GIRLfriend.. he hasnt bothered with us, or the house - despite the toilet actually leaking - he didnt bother to fix and left it. if only he would see that he has changed and realise he is being a wanker then things might be better, but because he doesnt think about us, its all bout the 16 year old me, and my brother and sister and the house are getting pushed aside..
so i was thinking again last night that - oh god the decs should be up by now - and they wasnt, still arent now! really, this christmas is going to be really really crap and there is just going to be:
me, mum and my brother i bet! my sister will be there for a while as she will then spend some of the day with her boyfriend and his boyfriends mum (it will be the first xmas with out alans dad - so going to be tough on them this year bless them!) - on the other hand we could get invited elsewhere - but then what would we do, leave mum all on her own for christmas, or stay with her at christmas and it being quiet - with us all on our laptops and computers ignoring each other, as christmas will be just an ordinary day in our house due to the problems etc that are arrising each day!!
maybe i wish things were the same, maybe i wish they wasnt! but at least mum n dad are happier without being together is the main thing, just now, we have to see what will happen with the house, as i have a feeling once it is fixed and done up properly, will they then sell it, split the money and one will go one way and one will go the other - its a shame really.. i mean they did this to us when i was what, 12 and moved me out of the first house, and now 10 years on they are doing it again!!!
i really am gonna feel so sorry for my brother to be honest, as he is gonna end up having to choose in some respects .. but i guess he prob stay with mum seen as how he is rude and off with him lol mind you dad has now turned into a wanker - and to be honest i wish he would bloody see this because i am sick to death of the way he treats this little girl and doesnt treat us - NOT FAIR YOU HEAR!?
..well he aint gonna read because he aint interested!

Sertraline...

Today is my first day on taking these new anti depressants, i am bit nervous about taking them as i never heard of them and even though i have read the packing (which really i probably hadnt) i am worried about the symptoms etc.

hopefully i am just overreacting - so fingers crossed there are some changes..

.. ok here goes .. down the 'hatchet' with me blackcurrant drink ..

and swallowed... i have to take these now for the next 2 weeks and i have to go back to doctor in 2 weeks time to see how i am getting on etc. - basic check up i guess?

i dunno.. i such a silly fool sometimes, but still. i was same with taking Fluoxetine last year, and i was funny about taking the citalopram ones in 2006 - when i first started them.. and then came off within a couple of months - oops! 

really i nead to LEARN how to keep at the tablets, but i just worried i become too dependant on them, or i be on them a very long time, i have heard about people who have been taking them for well over a decade and there dependant on them etc. maybe i just being paranoid!?

8th December... Outcome...

well as it is written in the post before about my doctors, well the outcome was OK but not again what i expected, i am beginning to think that i am expecting too much from people..?

i am now on Sertraline antidepressants on the 50mg dosage to start, gotta go back in 2 weeks see how i am getting on etc.
im gonna get a referal to see another mental health person within the surgery other than Kevin Pinkney on a friday, as i cannot get a regular appointment seen as how he is so busy and pretty much booked up all the time, i mean i got an appointment on friday (11th december) and i booked that on the 18th november.. thats how bad it is.
so that should then mean that if i am seeing a couple of people about it i got some support there, and i also got some info for the samaratains so again thats another source of help and support.

Still.. i am waiting upon an out come from the bedale centre about the assessment i had.. but i probably will not hear anything now until after christmas i bet! :(
so in the meantime, i will just find someone at the samaratians i can confide in when i need to, have the help from kevin and new person at the surgery .... so hopefully i will have some sort of counciling soon because i cannot continue like this, its not good and i am putting myself aswel as others at risk.. me more than others because i self harm a fair amount and i hardly ever hit out at the person/people that have upset me.