Thinking Gives Me Headaches..

Lately i have been feeling down in the dumps and i have been keeping it all to myself and locking it up in my head and throwing away the keys..
But i have been thinking about how to resolve some of the problems, dread etc. and decided that the best thing to do is admit defeat (again) and go back to the doctors (again) and sort myself (again)!!!

...I cant seem to keep things going and i cant seem to be able to sort myself out properly, or by the time i do i cant continue being "strong" and i give up, but i really need to learn to stop giving up, but it is easier said then done.

Tomorrow i am going to sort out getting to the doctors for one, i cannot continue on with my life feeling the way i do day in and day out, struggling with myself and my thoughts and feelings.. and problems!
I need to learn to talk to someone and open up..

Japanese, Saving Dolphins...!!

i was flicking through my facebook like i normally do, and someone had posted about a baby dolphin being washed up in a rice field that was rescued, over a week later since the earthquake/tsunami.

I know that most japanese people kill whales and dolphins for meat and other things, and i have to say i was suprised to learn of someone saving it.

please follow this Dolphin rescued from rice field 12 days after tsunami link..

I have to admit, like she said "It was better than dying in a rice paddy"

Awww.. i do hope that the baby found its way home, and is eating properly now..

Poor little thing...

I gotta get me one of these..

This is one of the most cutest things i have watched on youtube today!

I love cats & kittens! they're adorable, i dont know what i would do without my cats i have here..

Only trouble is, these videos of kittens are making me broody! 

Thinking Of You, With Love.. As Always!!

This is a little something that i wrote for my nan, today is the anniversary of her death, and i always try and write a little something, as it shows that i am thinking of her.

Tonight, i plan to dig out my candles and write her name, or even the letter V ( her name's Violet ) in tealights and then light them when i feel ready to.

I may actually do this outside on the ground..  but would be even cooler if i could do it on the beach like all of the amazing blogs i've read on here..

Still, something i do should and will be a little bit special, even if it isnt the same as everyone else's ideas etc.

15 years has flown by fast
Why didn't the memories of you ever last
I miss you more each day
but I still love you Nan in every way
I still cant believe your gone.
I think of all that you missed out
Unfortunately this is something one can do about
For now I live with you in my head
And dream what could've been in my bed
But I wish I could be with you
I also wish i could bring you back just for the day
Just so i could make new memories come my way
It never gets easier each year passing by
I still question it, I wish I knew why
I really want to hear your voice again

R.I.P Nan, Always in my heart, Gone.. Not Forgotten!!

21.06.1940-06.03.1996

Frogs..

On my facebook, one of my friends on my friends list has two tiny little frogs, i wish i could have one!! these are kept in a fish tank as they are special types of frogs.

I was just thinking that i would like to have one or two in a fish tank, they are pretty nifty little things as i have seen them before in pet shops in the aquarium section.

I love aquatic stuff, anything water just interests me, which is why i was happy when there was an aquatic center in our town, but now has been replaced by Cash Converters.

When visiting pet shops, i always look out for the fish, same with garden centers i love being around fish in there also, it smells but it never bothered me that much,
Maybe, instead of frogs, i should get fish..??

My cousin got a little frog for her daughter, but some how, they lost it!
(it either got eaten by the fishes or jumped out of the bowl, i cant remember if they found it)

hmmm... if i want frogs, then why dont i just go up to the duck pond or something, and get me some frog spawn and get me some tadpoles.. start from there?
Well, i would.. but unfortunately i cannot access the pond we have here, so thats out of the question, this year! but who knows, maybe next year?
I mean, we did find a Newt whilst digging up in the garden in the summer, as they say the possibilities are endless.

I would like to have something aquatic though.. maybe fish or a turtle, maybe even a little terrapin!!!

Hmmmm...

either way i would like to have one or the other. my favourite fish are the neon ones (left) but then terrapins (right) do look pretty cool..

Choices Choices.. so hard to pick!


What i do want, is tadpoles...

My Immortal - Evanescence

"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me, me, me"

[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/evanescence-lyrics/my-immortal-lyrics.html]






Again, this is another song that means something to me, such a wonderful song and very well expressed, Amy Lee is such a wonderful singer, i dont know what i would do if i had never been entered into the world of 


...EVANESCENCE...


God, I Love This Song...

Seether & Amy Lee - Broken

I love this song, i never really saw myself liking this sort of music, but i ended up enjoying it, but i kinda feel that this song as some meaning to how i feel sometimes,

I am broken...

In more ways than one really, but i cant express myself as to how i think or how i feel as though i am broken, which sucks!
I wish i could, but then how do i know if someone is going to listen, or understand for that matter!!

Still, i love this song, and thought i should share!

Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo...?

man oh man

there are so many different tattoos out there i cannot seem to pick one, or something suitable to represent anything..

I want 3 different tattoos

1.

Breast Cancer Ribbon with NAN written on it with her date of birth and death - reminds me of my nan!

2.

A special tattoo for Billie, my named Ectopic.. was thinking:

B with angel wings

Heart with B in the middle

Angel written in chinese symbols

Billie written in chinese symbols (trouble is there are 2 male & female, but i had to pick a unisex name!!)

3.

A cat, to represent my love for my cats i have now, and the ones whom has passed... :)

But, where on earth shall i put them???

The cat i was thinking about going on my inside ankle.. as its only going to be a simple outline..

but its where i am going to put the other two is the problem!

I think i might get one on my shoulder, and other on my wrist, but its going be difficult with my scarring.. oops!

Back to the drawing boards!!! lol

Will post my designs i like so far i think, then maybe if someone reading this wants to help me, they can!

Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo...?

So i have been thinking for a while that i want a tattoo, well admittedly i have always liked the idea of having one, so i would like one now!
Except, i want something that is meaningful to me. something that represents something..

So thats where i have got stuck.

I have come to the conclusion i would love to have 3 tattoo's!
(yes three)

The main one i want is for Billie, no matter what people say and think, he/she was still apart of me for 3 months regardless..!

So, for him/her i am thinking of..
- a letter B with angel wings
- a chinese symbol of Angel
- Billie in chinese symbols
- a star with a letter B in the middle

....ok the possibilities are endless, oops! hehe
But still, at least that would be meaningful, to me.

2nd
Is to represent my Nan, whom died of breast cancer in 1996.
So i would love to have a pink ribbon with her name and dates somewhere on my body

3rd
is to represent my love for cats, which would also go towards my 3 i have now, including our beloved Lucky whom died few years back, also Whiskers my nan's cat..

Hmmm....

Well, i have myself plenty of ideas now! so i think i will just print them off, and get out the art book and start drawing and designing myself..

Woop Woop

so exciting, i might actually get my arse in gear this time, i hope!!

teehee

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

I'm Singing In The Rain..

Well, not quite, but i am admiring the view of the rain and listening to the raindrops hitting my window and ceiling...

Kinda wishing i was standing outside in the rain, without an umbrella!!

They say the sound of rain is relaxing, i guess they're kinda true.. but there is nothing quite like sitting in front of the window where it is raining admiring the view..
Everything, well nearly everything looks better wet

Especially flowers, they look cool when are wet with raindrops on their petals etc.

xx Happy Valentines Day xx

I just wanted to leave a blog post, wishing everyone out there a

Happy Valentines Day

I hope everyone is having/had a lovely day..

I am yet to find out if i receive anything this year...!!!

lol

Still, i dont really need Valentines Day to prove/show my other half i love him...

Valentine's Day

The Sing-A-Ma-Jigs - Valentine's Day

Ghirardelli Chocolate Valentine's Day Heart Gift Tin, 7.19 oz.

My Pillow Pet Red And White Valentine Dog

Sex Scratchers: 100 Sexy Lottery Tickets to Scratch and Win!

KISS ME VALENTINE DECOR

24 Itty Bitty Miniature VALENTINE/HEART Rubber Ducks/DUCKIES/NEW/DOZEN/Sweetheart/LOVE

Woop Woop Loving It..

Today, i spent the last couple of hours with my mum and her partner at their new pub in Littlehampton (about 30mins tops away)
Its called The Locomotive, and it is pretty nifty and very snazzy!

Have spent the best part of the afternoon taking pictures for them, and on the way home my mums partner has asked me to design them some posters for Sunday Roasts.. mm mm mmmmm... hehe so looks like i going be helping out, in some ways!!

Just waiting on the info then i am on me way! :)

I am thinking about going to college to do a course on graphic design and website design or something, these subjects are what i enjoy doing the most that is, including photography!.. i love photography

My Late Welcome To 2011

I know it is bit late, but happy new year!!! lol

I have been meaning to write to this for days but i just hadnt seem to had the energy or effort or even motivation to write or say anything..
Not much has happened, had a good and interesting christmas though, I spent it with my mum, mums partner and my sister showed up for half of it before going back to her boyfriends place, after forcing us to watch Eclipse i might add..!! lol
(cant complain, i guess, i did actually enjoy it)

I have been struggling a little bit with current situations and problems, but i am getting there! i have to, i gotta be the strong one for once, but it is proving difficult, at times!!

Today [08:02:11]

I am trying to tidy up, but again that is proving difficult when i do not seem to have the energy or motivation to do anything today, doesnt help that i am tired i guess, but still i just cant be bothered today!!
- have opened up some windows to let the air circulate a little, so least that is something, even if it is small hehe

Couple of days ago, [04:02:11]
My mum decided that it was time to sort through the garage, so we hired a skip and started going through the endless amounts of junk that was clogging up in the doorways and throughout the garage.
Came across few "vintage" stuffs that i forced my dad into letting me keep *grin* was hard, but i managed to twig it in the end hehehe
Found some of my stuff that i had not seen in 5 years also, reasons for some of it being so long was because of the fact that i had moved out, and away in 2005 to live with a boyfriend in Preston, so i was limited to the amount of things i could keep and take with me, so i managed to save all my dolphin photos and ornuments, even found all my 18th birthday present items i had not seen since i was given them.. so that was nice!
Just dont know what to do with all of them, if i should keep them boxed, use them, or allow someone else to have better useage of them more than what i had...?
ooh ooh ooh... even found my prom dress!! =) now that was cool, as i not seen my prom dress since i wore it in 2003...!!! Went to try it on, but it doesnt fit me :( didnt realise until after i tried it on that it was a size 18, well now, i am a size 22-24 (my bust) - i could had squeezed in it if it wasnt for the melons...! haha
- i did feel that i again should allow it go to a new home, for someone on ebay, for a Bridesmaid dress at a wedding, or another prom! - have warned it needs dry cleaning smells of storage!

There isnt much more i can say at the moment, apart from trying to rack my brains about last years events, which for some reason i had kinda forgot..!!! :( i cant believe i have pretty much forgotten most of what i went through, but i often dream about it and see if happening, which hardly makes sense...

Still... there are things i need to focus on and sort out!! Maybe instead of writing i should continue with my washing....???
FAT CHANCE..! ha ha

Happy 18th Birthday

On the 26th November, my baby brother turned 18!!
I just still cannot believe it! Time has certainly flown by..

We had a little tea party thing we always do at the house for birthdays, and then he had a party the next day!!

Not many people turned up though, which i have to admit was bit sad, but knowing my brother had a great night regardless of the faces whom didnt show!!

Still... I got to dance with my Cousins Daughter, if only for a little while hehe
Cant believe how grown up she is now.. time has definatly flown by!!

My Brother (the birthday boy) And I

My Mother & I

My Brother (the birthday boy) - Me - My Sister

It's been over a week now since my brother turned18, and i still cant believe it happened!!!